I Did It My Way: How To Be Independent Without Screwing Up Your Life

The 'terrible twos' never really end.  The part of you that said "NO!" when you were asked if you wanted a bowl of ice cream (but that said it at the exact same time you were raising your bowl to get a scoop) never really grows up.  There will always be some part of you that craves independence, the establishment that you are a capable person and that you can make your own decisions thank you very much.  The problem is that as we grow older and more capable we also open up to ourselves more options for asserting ourselves beyond just saying no, throwing a temper tantrum and pulling all the books off a shelf.  We have the opportunity to assert our independence in ways that can advance our lives, or cause them to come crashing down around us.

There are never ending cycles that the generations seem to get caught in.  It is quite possible that your grandparents did everything in their power to protect one of your parents by telling them they were not allowed to have boys/girls in their room.  But in asserting their independence that parent may have snuck somebody up the stairs while nobody was looking and had some experiences they regretted later on in life.  So what do they do?  They try to pass on the lesson to their child (you) by telling you you're not allowed to go out to that party on the weekend where the boys/girls are going to be drinking.  But in asserting your independence you may have snuck out the window and had some experiences you regret later in life.  So what do you do?  You try to pass the lesson on to your child and save them some pain by saying they're not allowed to Skype on their laptop in bed at 11 o'clock at night with boys/girls while they're in their skimpy pajamas.  And without some kind of change in thinking, guess what they're probably going to do?

There is a concept, an approach to life we need to grab a hold of, and if we do we can save ourselves, the people we are connected to, and the generations coming up after us a whole world of heartache and trouble.  The concept is this:  Ownership.  We need to own our choices, own our actions, own the outcomes and in approaching life this way we end a battle that many spend their whole lives fighting.  If we take ownership of our choices then never again we will have to fight another human being for our independence.

How do you practice ownership as an adult or teach youth to take ownership?  Ownership is relatively simple.  It is learning to say to yourself "I choose to do this.  This is why I am choosing to do it.  These are the consequences I expect from my choice."  That way, even if it feels like someone is smothering us with what they want us to do, or if someone else tries to take credit for our decisions, we can know at the core of our being that what we did in the end was OUR decision and that person can say or think whatever they want.  We made an independent choice which they can not take away from us.  But ownership has two sides to it and you can't take one half without taking the other, not if you want the full benefits that it has to offer.  You also have to take ownership of your screw-ups, the times when you make a bad choice.  You have to be able to say "I chose to do this.  This is why I chose to do it.  These are the consequences I am experiencing as a result," without trying to find someone else to blame it on.  "I only did it because...", "Well Sara told me...", or "I never would have done that if you hadn't..." are not examples of taking ownership.  That's giving ownership to someone else for your choices.  You are responsible for your choices, they are responsible for their choices, and when you grab on to that and buy in to it, you gain incredible freedom.

This is a particularly relevant lesson for teens who often do feel smothered by the boundaries put in place by parents, teachers, employers and other authority figures.  They may need assistance in transitioning from the 'smothered' way of thinking, to seeing themselves as being given information about how to navigate life and being presented with 'opportunities for choice'.  If you are honest with youth about the fact that people will give them boundaries, but in the end they they will ultimately choose what they do (let's face it, if someone really wants to sneak out, they're going to find a way to do it), that means they have the power of choice every time.  They are not helpless or at the mercy of every person who tells them what to do, which is an incorrect way of thinking that will not serve them well in life.  If they choose to respect a boundary and live in a way that lines up with an expectation, they have not been forced to do something.  Instead they have made the conscious and free choice to act a certain way based on information presented to them.  That's power!

Let's look at some examples that apply to several ages and stages in life.

Andre had been working hard in his company to get noticed by the big boss for years and thought there was a great opportunity for promotion with his next presentation.  The head honcho was pretty impressed, but as the last slide came up on the screen Andre's manager spoke up saying, "I told him that would be a good project to pursue."  Andre was tempted to stay quiet because it felt like a lost cause, trying to get the boss to focus back on his ideas.  Feeling frustrated that the manager seemed to be sucking up to the big boss and trying to take credit for the presentation, Andre chose instead to calmly speak up and say "I've put together this presentation because, based on the information I have been made aware of, I believe this is the right project for our company to pursue."  The head honcho liked Andre's confidence and put him in charge of the project, which eventually lead to a promotion.

Mark had also been working hard to get noticed and proposed a project which tanked and lost his company a great deal of money.  When his team was hauled in front of the big boss for an explanation his co-workers immediately started to point out how Mark's suggestions had caused them to miss the mark.  Mark was tempted to defend himself.  He was aware of many mistakes made by the rest of the team that he could point out, but chose to calmly say, "I was the person who signed off on that order, and I am the one who overlooked the added expenses.  I'm sorry for how that negatively impacted this project and this company.  I've learned from the experience and see how I can greatly improve my performance in the future."  The head honcho liked Mark's integrity, refusing to play the blame game, and after a few months of mentoring from a more experienced employee the boss gave him a new large contract to manage.

Elise loved to have a good time with friends on the weekends and was known as the Queen of Beer Pong.  After destroying all her challengers in a night-long tournament that randomly started after a bet, she reached for her purse, said goodnight and headed towards her car where she was stopped by a friend.  "You shouldn't be driving after that much to drink.  How about you stick around for awhile or let me call you a cab?"  Elise wanted to get home, she had to be up early in the morning, and she felt fine, mostly.  Besides, wasn't she the best judge of whether she was fit to drive?  She was tempted to tell her friend politely to back off and get behind the wheel to go home, but took a deep breath to quiet her pride and made a different choice.  "I did have a lot to drink tonight, but I don't have any money on me.  If I call a cab can you lend me the money and give me a ride tomorrow to pick up my car after work?".  It took talking to three people to get enough money for the cab (which they were happy to give to make sure she got home safely), and with arrangements made to get the car the next day, she walked to the kitchen to go use the phone.  She didn't know it at the time, but at another party the next weekend somebody chose to call a cab instead of drive drunk because they felt more confident after seeing her example.

You don't have to choose to do something contrary, stupid, dangerous, or destructive just to make a point that you're a capable and independent person.  Choose what is going to achieve good things in your life, saying and doing things that will have positive consequences and outcomes and own it.  When you unintentionally mess up and don't realize it was a bad choice until after the fact (or knew full well and regret it later), take responsibility for that too, owning it, and move on.  Even screw-ups have the potential to have positive outcomes if we face them.  It's your life.  Own in, and look forward to the peace and good that can come out of that.  You are free.