Reframing: Changing Your Life Context Can Help and Hurt

Looking back over history we can see how our perspectives on things have changed, sometimes quite drastically.  Children over the centuries have been viewed as nothing more than little dysfunctional adults, as evil and reckless, and as innocent and angelic (worthy of many an Anne Geddes calendar).  Mental illness has been viewed as the result of demonic possession, as an imbalance in the humors (too much blood, bile, or phlegm), or as the result of chemical imbalances and difficult life experiences.

And yet to some degree children have remained children throughout the ages and mental illness has remained mental illness throughout the ages.  So how could a child go from being unquestionably evil to adorably angelic?  Or how could mental illness go from being treated with blood-letting to medication and counseling? 

When an object, person, experience, etc remains the same, but how we define its role in the universe changes, this is the process of reframing.  It is choosing a new framework through which to interpret what we see before us or what we are experiencing.  Imagine looking at a framed photo on a coffee table or looking in someone's scrapbook and seeing a picture of two people together.  If the frame had the words "Best Friends" inscribed on it that would provide one context for their interaction.  If the frame said "My True Love" that would change the context and your interpretation of the image in front of you.  If the frame were labelled "Family" it would change your context and interpretation yet again.

Some reframing happens naturally and subconsciously, with little or no thought.  A child may subconsciously move from being afraid of puppies because they jump up and knock the child over, to becoming quite fond of puppies because they have grown enough to no longer be intimidated by their size.  Other reframing happens consciously as we are presented with new ideas for consideration.  A scientific discovery may give us new insight in to how part of our world functions and why things happen the way they do.  A new philosophy or psychology theory may be presented which causes us to look at life or people differently.  Or a parent may correct us and give us an explanation that forces us to rethink our actions.

There are many articles and books that highlight the benefits of becoming more conscious of our frameworks, being aware and taking ownership of how we see ourselves and the world.  Recognized benefits that we can enjoy and celebrate include the following:

1)  Improved mental health.  When we identify destructive frameworks we are operating within (ex. I'm stupid, I'm an idiot, I'm a failure) and replace them with constructive frameworks (ex. I'm learning, I'm human, I can try again tomorrow) we end up with improved moods, lightened spirits, and more hope which protect us from a whole host of mental ills and improves our recovery from them.

2)  Improved physical health.  If we identify destructive frameworks (ex. I'm fine, I can eat whatever I want, I don't have time to be healthy) with constructive frameworks (ex. I'm an athlete so eat and train like one, I am valuable and worth taking care of, I have time to do this healthy thing today) then we experience higher levels of energy, sleep better, have higher self-confidence, and reduced chances of cardiovascular emergencies and diabetes.

3)  Improved social health.  People who are convinced they are helpless or who believe their situations are hopeless are very difficult and unpleasant to be around.  The conversations, actions, or lack of action that comes from people who see no way out or zero opportunity for improvement of their situation often feed further in to their problems creating a self-fulfilling prophecy that others find draining.  By making even the slightest shift from "I can't do anything about it" to "Here's something I'm doing to make things better", or from "Nothing is ever going to change" to "Something can change because I'm changing this...", a person can have the effect of repelling or attracting people.  Our framework can affect our social networks including the quality of our friendships, whether we get a job, whether we keep our job, and if a support network is available to us when tragedy strikes.  In the midst of our despair our framework can alter what help we receive or don't receive, whether people continue to reach out to us or begin to pull away.

How wonderful to know that we have control over even the most difficult of life circumstances because we have the ability to control our way of thinking about them.  Even more wonderful is that by shedding frameworks such as helplessness and hopelessness we are more likely to take constructive steps that in fact do improve our situations.  Things start to get better outside of ourselves and not just in our heads.  Reframing is powerful stuff!

However there is a downside.  Sometimes the loss or exchanging of a framework means that something needs to be mourned instead of celebrated.  Changing a framework can sometimes result in great loss instead of great gain, and if we are aware of this we are much more likely to help the person navigate the challenge rather than judge them because we more clearly understand what we are looking at.

If you unfortunately needed to share with someone that their spouse was responsible for sexually assaulting your child, it is clearly understandable that this would be a very difficult new framework to accept.  The person is being asked to accept that someone they thought was trustworthy has been hurting children, to accept that someone they thought was faithful to them has been engaging sexually with someone else and with someone who was vulnerable and unwilling.  Difficulty accepting this news is understandable and yet if the person reacts poorly, particularly if they go in to denial, it is not uncommon for the person to be labelled as 'unwilling to face reality'.

Let's explore something that has even more layers.  People who sincerely follow Jesus Christ, commonly referred to as Christians, often share their faith with others with a genuine desire to share something wonderful.  Forgiveness of sins.  Reconnection with a loving and faithful God.  Peace that on the day you die it won't be Death that comes for you, but your heavenly Father.  That's pretty amazing stuff.  And yet many people don't react well to these ideas.  Taking in to consideration deep frustration with hypocrisy amongst many who say they follow Jesus, and deep frustration with people who are confused and focused on following laws/traditions/rules/institutions instead of following Jesus, there is another reason why many people do not enjoy discussions about faith.  The new framework being presented is frightening or it hurts.  Because the same framework that would reveal to a person that they can go to heaven may be the same framework that confirms some of their loved ones are in Hell.  Because the same framework that identifies that we can be forgiven of our sins may be the same framework that confirms that it doesn't matter how good you are, that good isn't good enough and you are in fact accountable to Someone much bigger than you.  Because the same framework that confirms there are boundaries in place for our well-being and blessing may be the same framework that confirms that the break you took from your spouse to see if you would be happier with someone else was in fact adultery.  Because the framework that says there is a loving God who is in control of the universe may be the same framework that shattered years ago when something bad happened and there was no sign of God anywhere.  The person is possibly being asked to reconsider a framework that they feel failed them in the past.  Many conversations have gone horribly awry because a person of faith wanting to share something that can bring great peace didn't understand that what they were sharing was at the time in fact causing a great deal of anger or pain that needed to be processed, and with patience.

If you have ever presented an idea or a thought that was not well received and you were left wondering why the person couldn't or wouldn't accept it, refusing to 'face reality' or consider a new way of thinking, understanding the connection between reframing and the mourning process may help to shed some light and lend some wisdom to how you proceed.  The following can help us to identify when patience will be needed and a willingness to engage in an ongoing conversation, living life side-by-side being needed so much more desperately than an argument or 'knocking some sense' in to someone.

Shock.  Our bodies are wonderfully designed to protect us from all sorts of things, with natural physical and emotional first aid responses built in to our shell and wiring.  When something surprising or traumatic happens our minds and bodies can actually try to protect us for a time, shutting off thoughts, feelings or certain functions until we can sort out what to do next.  Shock is common with a new framework that is, well, shocking or very painful.

Denial.  When the shock protecting us wears off energy must be consciously diverted to protecting ourselves.  Denial is the act of trying to keep something away from us, out of us, fighting against accepting the event or idea as part of our life story.  No, no, please God, no.  'No' becomes a shield, whether it is a mental thought or an argument fired back at someone whose information feels like a threat of more pain.

Anger.  Poke a bear with a sharp stick and it gets angry.  Hurt a person and they get angry.  Why did this happen?  Why didn't I see that?  How could things be like this?  I don't deserve this.  How could they?  Where were you?  Legitimate questions are being processed here.  Questions that need to be asked.  Thoughts that need room to breathe, to be turned over, to be weighed and evaluated.  Thoughts that need to be said out loud so they aren't just burning holes in our brains.  Answers need to be tried on, questioned again, accepted or rejected.  Like someone working a piece of metal in a fiery forge, there is a great deal of framework crafting that is happening here.  And as a general rule the greater the pain the greater the anger.  If you are thinking the person in front of you has some serious anger problems, it would be worth re-evaluating that more likely you have a very hurting person in front of you.  The anger isn't something to overcome and rule, it is something to work through and heal from.

Depression.  When a fire burns out you're left with ashes.  There is no more fuel.  Deep exhaustion can settle in.  Everything in life can feel more difficult.  Things that brought relief before may not provide the same sense of restoration they once did.  Deep sadness can permeate even the happiest circumstances, dulling and wearing the person down.  Other frameworks we had in place before facing this challenge can contribute to how much time we spend in this phase, how deep we go, and how easy or difficult it is to come out of.  It is important to note that the strain of the challenge may in fact have altered the person's internal chemistry and they may therefore also require the assistance of chemical medication prescribed by a doctor for a time to restore balance and support healing while a new framework is being processed.

Acceptance.  Acceptance is not simply deciding, "It's okay" or accepting that what happened or what we learned was alright.  Instead it is the point at which we have stopped fighting the framework, actively keeping it away from and outside of ourselves, and instead allow it to be incorporated in to our understanding of our life story and the world we operate within.  It is a willingness to operate within a framework we better understand than when it was first presented to us, that we feel we have greater ability to navigate now.  It is acknowledgement that this framework contributed to where we are now in life and that it will impact how we move forward, but with full knowledge that we can in fact move forward.

Anything you share can have further reaching implications than you imagined.  Your thoughts on any subject can either support someone's confidence in their current way of navigating the world, or cause them to question whether they may in fact have made a horrible decision or mistake.  To ask someone to let go of their confidence that they're doing okay or that the world makes sense is no small thing.  Frameworks come in so many shapes and sizes, so when you share a thought that isn't received well consider entering in to a long-term conversation rather than an argument.  And be willing to ask questions.  People learn best when given questions rather than answers.  Allow the person to think out loud and share with you what's on their mind or on their heart.  You may have just triggered a process that has much more going on under the surface than you can see.

And if the mourning process is what was triggered, please remember that it is exactly that, a process.  To share a new idea, a new philosophy, a new discovery, a new framework of any kind and expect that people will simply accept it, deal with it, face it, or roll with it flies directly in the face of how we are wired as human beings.  New frameworks can be exciting and life-giving, but sometimes they can tear our lives apart for a time, and if we are willing to have patience with each other, being willing to walk alongside each other much longer than one conversation, we have greater ability to survive, to heal, to learn, to explore, to grow, and to live together.

Open Door Development's facilitators are skilled in creating training environments and experiences through which participants have the opportunity to constructively reframe how they fit in to their teams and communities.  Visit our website to learn more about our team building, conflict resolution, leadership development, bullying response training, facilitation training, and first aid training.

What The Heck Is A Samaritan, Let Alone A "Good Samaritan"?

What the heck is a Samaritan, let alone a "Good Samaritan"?  We hear the term used frequently when discussing the Good Samaritan laws that protect first aiders who have stopped to provide care for a fellow human being in need, but many people don't know where the term came from or what it actually means.  Grab yourself a warm beverage and prop up your feet for a history lesson, because when you know the context of the Good Samaritan story not only will your eyes be opened to the depth of the concept, but you will also have learned the trick, the foundational principle, that will help you to meet the requirements of the local Good Samaritan laws, no matter where in the world you travel.

The story of the Good Samaritan is recorded in the bible (the book of Luke, chapter 10, verses 25-37) and was told by Jesus.  When Jesus walked from town to town he was followed incessantly by large crowds of people.  These crowds were generally made up of two groups of people.  The first group was made up of people who wanted to know Jesus, spend time with him, be near him, learn from him, be healed by him, and have their children blessed by him.  The second group was made of up of individuals known as pharasees, saducees, and teachers of the law.  These indivdiduals followed Jesus primarily to look for opportunities to humilliate him in public and make him look stupid or show he was a fake.  The people who were following Jesus had once gone to the pharisees, saducees and teachers of the law for insight and now they were following Jesus.  The religious leaders of the community weren't happy because they'd lost their posse of adoring fans and wanted them back!  So they would pick at Jesus, asking him questions to try and expose a weakness that would make the people abandon him.

One day while Jesus was speaking to the crowd an expert in the religious laws and traditions asked Jesus, "What must I do to inherit eternal life?"  Jesus asked him how he understood the scriptures, or in other words, what is your understanding of what God has to say on the matter?  The expert replied, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself".  Jesus replied, "Do this and you will live."

You can just imagine all the other pharisees, sadducees and teachers of the law slowly turning their heads in this gentleman's direction with their mouths hanging open looking at him like he was an idiot.  Dude.  That was your question?  The reason it would have been so strange for him to ask that is because as an expert in the law, someone who had the religious texts memorized, he should have known that one!  The text says that the expert in the law felt the need to justify himself and so he shot out another question, "Who is my neighbor?"  Instead of pointing to someone in the crowd and saying, "They are your neighbor," Jesus instead told a story, and the story was this.

One day a man was traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho when he was attacked and beaten by robbers.  Stripped of his clothing and dying, he was helpless.

In the distance a priest could be seen walking towards him.  People at that time wore clothing that reflected their profession and the priest would likely have been wearing clothing that identified him as a priest from quite a distance.  If anyone would stop to help an injured man it would be a priest, right?  But the priest not only walked by, he crossed to the other side of the road to get away from the injured man and continued on his way.

The second person to come walking down the road was a Levite.  The nation of Israel was broken down in to multiple tribes, and the tribe of Levi was designated as the priestly tribe who directly ministered before God.  If anyone would stop to help an injured man it would be a Levite, right?  But the Levite not only walked by, he crossed to the other side of the road to get away from the injured man and continued on his way.

The third person to come walking down the road was a Samaritan.  And at this point the crowd listening to Jesus would have suddenly perked up like a pack of gophers.  A Samaritan?  Plot twist!  Where is this going?  The reason for the intrigue was because the Jews and the Samaritans had critical differences in their faith beliefs.  When the Israelites were defeated in battle and many taken during the Babylonian exile, the Samaritans were made up of the Israelites who had stayed in the Land of Israel and who believed they had held to the true faith, as opposed to the Jews who returned later from exile and whose faith, they claimed, had been altered.  As a result there was great tension between the two groups.  Hatred ran deep and went back for generations.  At the time this story was being told there was actually a saying, "You don't even want to spit on a Samaritan, because you don't even want that much of you touching them!

The dying man lying on the ground seeing a Samaritan walking towards him would have had every reason to believe that the Samaritan might even kick him on the way by.  But that is not what happened.  The Samaritan stopped.  Not only did he stop, but he provided first aid care and then loaded the injured man on to his donkey, giving up his ride and walking the man to town on foot.  Not only did he bring him to a nearby town, but he brought him to an inn.

The historical significance of this act lies in the etiquette laws of that time.  If you were a traveler looking for lodging you would sit in the town's courtyard, and anyone passing by who had a spare room would be required by etiquette to offer it to you.  The Samaritan would have known that and could have dumped the injured man in the courtyard so that his own people could deal with him.  But that's not what he did.  He took the injured man to an inn where he knew he would receive immediate attention.  And he wasn't finished.

After providing further care for the injured man, the Samaritan needed to continue on his journey, but before leaving he approached the innkeeper, giving him money and requesting that he continue to care for the injured man until he returned, at which time he would pay for any additional expenses incurred.

At this point the crowd listening to Jesus would likely have been sitting in absolute silence as they processed the story that Jesus has just shared.  When questioned about what it meant to love your neighbor as yourself, Jesus had answered the question, "who is my neighbor," by telling a story where one of their most hated enemies had taken good care of one of their own people when he was at his weakest.  Processing.  Processing.  Processing.

When our forefathers were creating laws to govern our countries, many leaders looked to the story of the Good Samaritan for inspiration, hoping that their citizens would have the same heart, looking at what made each other the same rather than what them different, stopping to help a fellow human being in need instead of seeing an enemy and passing them by.

And in the end that is what the Good Samaritan laws come down to, however they are worded in the various countries, provinces and states where they are applied.  Love your neighbor as yourself.  Provide the care that you hope would be provided for you if you were in the same position.  And if you fulfill this act of love towards your neighbor you will have made things better.  However the story turns out, if the person survives or passes away, you know you made it better because you stopped and you did something to care for them the same way you would hope to be cared for yourself.

The great thing is that loving your neighbor also helps to keep you from doing silly things that would cause more harm because if you asked yourself, "Would I want someone to stab me in the throat with a pen to try doing an emergency tracheotomy?" the answer is probably no, and so you don't do it to the other person because you'd be rather unhappy if someone did it to you.  Remembering to love your neighbor as yourself helps you to achieve positive and constructive action and stops you from taking destructive action.  It's simple and powerful and helps us to make sure that no one is left alone in a time of need.

How can you follow the example of the Good Samaritan?  How can you love your neighbor as yourself today?  And do you have an enemy who could benefit from being treated the way that you would hope to be treated yourself?  Go do it.  And watch amazing things happen.

5 Indicators That You Are Causing Social Destruction

Short of dropping a nuclear bomb on your social circle and simply obliterating it, the second most destructive thing that you can do to the people around you and to yourself is to gossip.

And while we all like to think that gossiping is someone else's problem, chances are you are just as guilty.  Why?  Because, as a biblical proverb notes, "The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts."  Hearing hints of gossip is like having somebody dangle your favorite food in front of you when you're hungry and want satisfaction.  Anyone who has ever been on a diet and seen their favorite food staring at them from the fridge or from a storefront window knows the powerful gravitational pull that gossip has.

Think about it.  You're hanging out with a group of friends when you hear behind you, "whisper whisper Steve whisper whisper whisper."  Some part of you wonders, what about Steve?  What are they talking about?  What's going on with him?  Some part of you wants to turn around and ask for the details. 

Or you're sitting in your workplace cubicle when you hear, "whisper whisper getting fired whisper whisper whisper."  Some part of you wants to know who is getting fired.  And why?  What happened?  Some part of you wants to listen in closer or join the conversation to learn more.

Here are some early warning flags that may be showing up regarding your gossip tendencies.  Did you just have any of the following thoughts:

"Well of course I would ask what's going on.  I just want to know that the person is okay."

"Well it's not like I would tell other people what I heard."

Or, "I would just want to make sure that they're not saying anything bad about that person."

If the answer is yes to any of the above then the chances of you being a destructive force in your social surroundings is significantly higher and, even worse, you've got a sugar-coating of icing sitting on top.

Let's look at the dirt so we can deal with it.  How do you know if you are engaging in gossip and therefor acting as a source of social destruction?  Here are 5 factors to assess:

1) Are you personally involved in the story you are telling?  Do you appear in it at all?  If you are not a character in this play, this plot is likely not yours to be sharing with others.

2)  Have you been specifically asked to not repeat the information by the person who told you?  If you are asked to keep information private and you share it with someone else, even someone who you know would never tell anyone else, you have crossed a line.

3)  By telling this story will you uphold the reputation of the people involved or will you negatively impact it?  Pay close attention to this one because now it's becoming a legal matter.  If what you say causes a chain reaction that ruins someone's reputation you are at risk of being sued for slander.

4)  If you are in conflict with someone, have you talked to them about the problem first?  If you are 'just blowing off some steam' or 'just need to talk about something' and it's because you have a problem with someone else, does the other person even know?  Have you given them a chance to fix the problem or did you start by telling other people what they did to screw up?

5)  Are you listening to someone else who is gossiping without asking them to stop?  If you do not shut gossip down before the juicy details start spilling out you are actively a part of the problem because you are encouraging the other person, showing them that what they are doing is okay and that you are open to hearing the destructive information they are passing around.

When people gossip facts get twisted, details get blown out of proportion, emotions swell, more people get involved, and you get left with a problem that is infinitely more difficult to navigate when it could have had a much simpler solution.  Stop making your problems worse.  Stop making other people's problems worse! 

If you hear the hints of gossip, gather your self-control and march right past that tasty morsel or turn your music up and drown it out.  If someone approaches you with a tasty treat of news about Karin in the accounting department, let the person gossiping know that you're not really interested in hearing about other people, but you'd love to know what they have been up to recently.  And if you know something about someone else, respect that person enough to know it's their story to share as they see fit, not yours.

Be intentional about cutting gossip out of your life and you'll see the difference.  People will know they can trust you with their stories when they need to talk.  Your relationships will improve as people grow more confident that if you have a problem with them you'll talk to them first.  Your workplace will likely trust you with more confidential information which can mean pay raises and promotions.  Your significant other will grow closer to you when they know you're not sharing embarrassing details about them with your friends.  In our Conflict Resolution training participants make connections all the time where they can see how removing gossip could improve multiple situations they are trying to navigate.  There is no area of your life that doesn't have the ability to improve if you cut gossip out of your life.  You will gain so much more than you are giving up.  Try it!

What are your thoughts?

Do you think gossip is destructive or is that too strong of a word?

Are there any other clues that could help you catch yourself and identify if you are gossiping?

Share your thoughts and comments!

How To Support A Teen Or Young Adult Through An Unexpected Pregnancy

Discovering that you are going to have a baby requires some processing no matter what the circumstances, but when a teen or young adult discovers they are going to be a parent when they had no intention of having a child at this time or with this partner, some additional support is needed.  Here are some key points to remember as you walk with someone going through this particular life challenge.

1)  When a teen or young adult tells you they are going to have a baby, please do everything in your power to make sure the first word that crosses your lips is, “Congratulations.”  Babies are sometimes a surprise, unexpected, or unplanned, but they are never a mistake.  A human being is incapable of being, in and of themselves, a mistake.  The creation of a new human being will always be something worth celebrating and the mom or dad-to-be desperately needs to hear that positive reinforcement.  Think about the traditional things said in response to an announced unexpected pregnancy:  “What?  Oh my God, really?  With that guy/girl?  What are you going to do?”, or, “Oh no.  Are you sure?  What are you going to do? “  While you might think you’re being sympathetic you are in fact dishing out crushing amounts of discouragement.  As the parents work to answer the question, what am I going to do, they need to know that there is something good in the midst of this difficult circumstance.  A life being created is good.  Capital G ‘Good’ in fact.  Please reflect on this idea now so that when somebody shares the unexpected you are mentally prepared and that much more likely to speak words of encouragement rather than discouragement.

2)  Remove the word ‘should’ from your vocabulary.  You should do this and you should do that are not allowed in your interactions with the new parent.  Quit it.  As the parents, the genetic founders of this child’s DNA and new team tied together as family by blood, they will need to make decisions and preparations for how they move forward.  Your job is to support the process even if you are not in full support of each individual decision made along the way.  Supporting the process does not mean that you can’t share insight, concerns, resources, disagreement, etc.  But it does mean that you have zero permission to make decisions on another person's behalf.  If you have control issues, start focusing on getting help for yourself before you focus on how to fix somebody else’s life.  You will cause more damage than anything else if you march in to somebody’s pregnancy thinking you know best.  You will be particularly susceptible to trying to control things if you are the parent or close family of the new parent.  Keep yourself in check and make sure you are using phrases such as, “have you considered…”, “did you know about…”, and “what questions do you have right now”, as opposed to,  “you should…”, “what you need to do is…” or “you’re going to have to…”.  Give the parents hope by sharing useful information, as well as helping them know their options and the resources available to them.  Help them explore the long-term implications of the choices they are considering.  Support them by helping them understand the paths they have open to them.  Do not ever choose the path for them.

3)  Support healthy relationships between the parents.  Communication, conflict resolution, problem-solving and other relationship skills are critical in the successful navigating of an unexpected pregnancy and in parenting.  When these skills suffer, stress levels skyrocket and drama rules the day.  To remove potential for drama, high stress, and the physical and emotional ills that result the parents will need to focus on growing in these areas and will need support from their friends and family along the way.  If you do not excel in these areas, keep your advice to yourself and focus on your own personal growth until you can be of better assistance and provide support through other means such as driving parents to appointments, cooking meals, or just being a listening ear.  Encouraging a confused and distraught parent to run with their emotions and tell their partner off, demand things, yell at them, refuse to talk to them, hit them, call them names, etc is never acceptable.  If the relationship is not healthy or is going through a difficult time support the couple in developing clear communication, addressing issues rather than name-calling, setting healthy boundaries, communicating needs and expectations, and other skills that will set them up for long-term success.  Whether you like the partner or not is not the question.  A baby has brought the parents together as a team and whether they choose to stay together or not they will need to figure out how to work together to raise a healthy child and stay healthy themselves.

4)  If the couple experiences a miscarriage, still-birth, or shares that they chose to have an abortion, please make sure the first words that cross your lips are, “I’m sorry for your loss”.  Think about some of the traditional responses to an unexpected pregnancy that has terminated: “Well, now you can get back to your life the way it was supposed to be”, “Thank God you don’t have to have a baby with that guy/girl”, or “Wow, you’re lucky.  You must be so happy.”  The person speaking thinks they are being sympathetic and encouraging when they have in fact verbally placed the teen or young adult in emotional bondage.  While there may be some sense of relief depending on the circumstances, no matter what you have to remember that for a time, however short, the teen or young adult was a Mom, or a Dad.  They have just lost a child and whatever other emotions need to be processed, I guarantee you that part of them will need to mourn that loss.  Please acknowledge to them that it is okay, healthy and normal for them to feel sad, depressed, confused, empty or any other number of emotions associated with loss.  Most teens and young adults who lose a child feel this way, but don’t share their feelings with people because they’ve been told so many times, “you should be happy” that they feel there is something wrong with them and they hide the fact that they’re breaking inside.  Don’t put people in emotional bondage by telling them this is a good thing that happened to them.  Treat the event with the same dignity, respect, and empathy given at the death of any child.  This opens doors to true healing and moving forward.

5)  Prepare unexpected parents with the knowledge that they may not instantly feel connected to or fall in love with their baby.  So many mothers in particular are told only the magical stories of love at first sight, and aren’t told that the majority of new moms look at the little blue alien that popped out of their body thinking, ‘are you sure that’s mine?’  Just like meeting somebody new at school or at work, you have to meet your baby!  You don’t know their personality and they don’t know you!  Prepare new parents for the fact that it will likely take a few weeks, sometimes a few months, before you will feel connected and bonded with your baby.  This is a particularly important fact to share if one parent sincerely dislikes the other parent.  It is difficult to look at a child that is genetically half you and half someone you hate right now.  Let new parents know that their child will have their own personality and regardless of who the mother/father is, investing in getting to know that child right from the beginning will pay off.  New fathers in particular struggle with bonding because they get easily discouraged with a crying baby that seems to hate them, but instantly stops crying for mom.  Mom simply has the unfair advantage of having a heartbeat that the baby recognizes, and a face they recognize from breastfeeding.  Their eyesight is limited to a short distance, the distance from the breast to the face in fact!  Baby does not like or hate mom any more than they like or hate dad.  Both parents have to get to know their baby.  With this simple knowledge new parents can feel a lot less stress when their new baby arrives in the world which will set them up for navigating all the other challenges of parenting with much more energy and confidence.

Strong teams and healthy communities are always needed during pregnancies and in raising a child, but particularly when the pregnancy was unexpected.  The support they provide is critical to both the physical and emotional well-being of everyone involved.  And remember that time will pass.  New families can find their groove.  They can be healthy and strong even if they had an unexpected or rough start.  Be honest with yourself, take some time to self-reflect, and be sure that you are a constructive part of an unexpected parent’s support network and not another source of stress.  Be a part of seeing a new family experience success.

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I Did It My Way: How To Be Independent Without Screwing Up Your Life

The 'terrible twos' never really end.  The part of you that said "NO!" when you were asked if you wanted a bowl of ice cream (but that said it at the exact same time you were raising your bowl to get a scoop) never really grows up.  There will always be some part of you that craves independence, the establishment that you are a capable person and that you can make your own decisions thank you very much.  The problem is that as we grow older and more capable we also open up to ourselves more options for asserting ourselves beyond just saying no, throwing a temper tantrum and pulling all the books off a shelf.  We have the opportunity to assert our independence in ways that can advance our lives, or cause them to come crashing down around us.

There are never ending cycles that the generations seem to get caught in.  It is quite possible that your grandparents did everything in their power to protect one of your parents by telling them they were not allowed to have boys/girls in their room.  But in asserting their independence that parent may have snuck somebody up the stairs while nobody was looking and had some experiences they regretted later on in life.  So what do they do?  They try to pass on the lesson to their child (you) by telling you you're not allowed to go out to that party on the weekend where the boys/girls are going to be drinking.  But in asserting your independence you may have snuck out the window and had some experiences you regret later in life.  So what do you do?  You try to pass the lesson on to your child and save them some pain by saying they're not allowed to Skype on their laptop in bed at 11 o'clock at night with boys/girls while they're in their skimpy pajamas.  And without some kind of change in thinking, guess what they're probably going to do?

There is a concept, an approach to life we need to grab a hold of, and if we do we can save ourselves, the people we are connected to, and the generations coming up after us a whole world of heartache and trouble.  The concept is this:  Ownership.  We need to own our choices, own our actions, own the outcomes and in approaching life this way we end a battle that many spend their whole lives fighting.  If we take ownership of our choices then never again we will have to fight another human being for our independence.

How do you practice ownership as an adult or teach youth to take ownership?  Ownership is relatively simple.  It is learning to say to yourself "I choose to do this.  This is why I am choosing to do it.  These are the consequences I expect from my choice."  That way, even if it feels like someone is smothering us with what they want us to do, or if someone else tries to take credit for our decisions, we can know at the core of our being that what we did in the end was OUR decision and that person can say or think whatever they want.  We made an independent choice which they can not take away from us.  But ownership has two sides to it and you can't take one half without taking the other, not if you want the full benefits that it has to offer.  You also have to take ownership of your screw-ups, the times when you make a bad choice.  You have to be able to say "I chose to do this.  This is why I chose to do it.  These are the consequences I am experiencing as a result," without trying to find someone else to blame it on.  "I only did it because...", "Well Sara told me...", or "I never would have done that if you hadn't..." are not examples of taking ownership.  That's giving ownership to someone else for your choices.  You are responsible for your choices, they are responsible for their choices, and when you grab on to that and buy in to it, you gain incredible freedom.

This is a particularly relevant lesson for teens who often do feel smothered by the boundaries put in place by parents, teachers, employers and other authority figures.  They may need assistance in transitioning from the 'smothered' way of thinking, to seeing themselves as being given information about how to navigate life and being presented with 'opportunities for choice'.  If you are honest with youth about the fact that people will give them boundaries, but in the end they they will ultimately choose what they do (let's face it, if someone really wants to sneak out, they're going to find a way to do it), that means they have the power of choice every time.  They are not helpless or at the mercy of every person who tells them what to do, which is an incorrect way of thinking that will not serve them well in life.  If they choose to respect a boundary and live in a way that lines up with an expectation, they have not been forced to do something.  Instead they have made the conscious and free choice to act a certain way based on information presented to them.  That's power!

Let's look at some examples that apply to several ages and stages in life.

Andre had been working hard in his company to get noticed by the big boss for years and thought there was a great opportunity for promotion with his next presentation.  The head honcho was pretty impressed, but as the last slide came up on the screen Andre's manager spoke up saying, "I told him that would be a good project to pursue."  Andre was tempted to stay quiet because it felt like a lost cause, trying to get the boss to focus back on his ideas.  Feeling frustrated that the manager seemed to be sucking up to the big boss and trying to take credit for the presentation, Andre chose instead to calmly speak up and say "I've put together this presentation because, based on the information I have been made aware of, I believe this is the right project for our company to pursue."  The head honcho liked Andre's confidence and put him in charge of the project, which eventually lead to a promotion.

Mark had also been working hard to get noticed and proposed a project which tanked and lost his company a great deal of money.  When his team was hauled in front of the big boss for an explanation his co-workers immediately started to point out how Mark's suggestions had caused them to miss the mark.  Mark was tempted to defend himself.  He was aware of many mistakes made by the rest of the team that he could point out, but chose to calmly say, "I was the person who signed off on that order, and I am the one who overlooked the added expenses.  I'm sorry for how that negatively impacted this project and this company.  I've learned from the experience and see how I can greatly improve my performance in the future."  The head honcho liked Mark's integrity, refusing to play the blame game, and after a few months of mentoring from a more experienced employee the boss gave him a new large contract to manage.

Elise loved to have a good time with friends on the weekends and was known as the Queen of Beer Pong.  After destroying all her challengers in a night-long tournament that randomly started after a bet, she reached for her purse, said goodnight and headed towards her car where she was stopped by a friend.  "You shouldn't be driving after that much to drink.  How about you stick around for awhile or let me call you a cab?"  Elise wanted to get home, she had to be up early in the morning, and she felt fine, mostly.  Besides, wasn't she the best judge of whether she was fit to drive?  She was tempted to tell her friend politely to back off and get behind the wheel to go home, but took a deep breath to quiet her pride and made a different choice.  "I did have a lot to drink tonight, but I don't have any money on me.  If I call a cab can you lend me the money and give me a ride tomorrow to pick up my car after work?".  It took talking to three people to get enough money for the cab (which they were happy to give to make sure she got home safely), and with arrangements made to get the car the next day, she walked to the kitchen to go use the phone.  She didn't know it at the time, but at another party the next weekend somebody chose to call a cab instead of drive drunk because they felt more confident after seeing her example.

You don't have to choose to do something contrary, stupid, dangerous, or destructive just to make a point that you're a capable and independent person.  Choose what is going to achieve good things in your life, saying and doing things that will have positive consequences and outcomes and own it.  When you unintentionally mess up and don't realize it was a bad choice until after the fact (or knew full well and regret it later), take responsibility for that too, owning it, and move on.  Even screw-ups have the potential to have positive outcomes if we face them.  It's your life.  Own in, and look forward to the peace and good that can come out of that.  You are free.

The Curse of Knowledge: Are You Helping To Create Parasitic Youth?

By Lindsay Walton (as published in the latest edition of the Association for Challenge Course Technology's publication "Parallel Lines").

Many baby boomers comment on the attitude of youth and young adults today, shocked by the way the younger generations choose to behave.  But the rudeness, aggression, indifference or entitlement they perceive doesn't always find its root in a bad attitude.  More often than not those behaviors find their root in anxiety.

We live in the age of the 'twixter', a term used to refer to young adults who have not developed the life skills they require in order to be able to support themselves and in turn give back to the families and communities to which they belong.  Rather than becoming independent adults, these twixters have a parasitic relationship with their societies, draining resources without giving back, and this isn't just localized to North America.  The Japanese refer to these individuals as 'parasite singles'.  The German refer to them as 'nesthockers', a term for baby birds who have just hatched from the egg and are completely helpless.  The Italian culture is facing a challenge right now in preserving their heritage because Italian women are not currently interested in marrying Italian men.  The reason?  Because so many have grown to become "bambocionni" or "big dummy boys".

There are many factors that can contribute towards youth growing to be twixters instead of independent adults, including disengaged parents (whether by choice or due to work hours) who did not pass on the needed life skills, having parents who do not have the skills themselves and are therefore unable to pass on the lessons, lack of parent intervention and boundaries when their child refused to learn and perform the skills growing up, and sometimes a genuine deep-seated laziness.  However the twixter got there, the results are often the same.  Repeated experiences of failure in life and without an understanding of why it keeps happening.

We are often familiar with the concept that "you don't know what you don't know", but on the flip side of the coin, you don't always know what you know either.  Chip and Dan Heath in their book "Made To Stick" refer to the Curse of Knowledge, the psychological tendency we have as human beings to assume that if we know something then obviously everyone else must know too!  It shoots us in the foot when we are trying to market products, services and ideas to an audience because we make inaccurate assumptions about the foundation of knowledge they already have for us to build on.  The Curse of Knowledge is also incredibly unhelpful when it comes to working together as a family or community unit to make sure youth and young adults have the knowledge and skills they need to become independent and contributing members of society.  If we consistently look at people wondering how they could be such an idiot for doing what they just did, or such a jerk for saying what they just said, then we have a bad habit that we need to break.  Without ruling out the fact that some youth have been taught the knowledge and skills they need and have chosen to ignore or reject it, we need to stop assuming that this is always the case.  Stop looking through the lens of what you know (the Curse of Knowledge) and do your family and community a favor by assuming that the young adult you just saw mouth off to their boss, or take money from their grandmother's purse, who has rotting dishes stacked on their kitchen counter or Mom doing their laundry when they are 35 is not making a conscious choice to live this way despite knowing a better way.  Start assuming that a critical piece of life knowledge or a critical life skill is missing or incomplete and see what can be done to fill that gap.

Let's explore a couple of the examples mentioned earlier and see what critical life knowledge or skills might need some tuning up.  The youth who just mouthed off to their boss should know that will just get them fired right?  Wrong!  That's the Curse of Knowledge at work.  Their current understanding of the world may be that it is their right to speak their mind and their employer's responsibility to make the workplace an enjoyable environment where the worker feels motivated.  What life knowledge is missing?  That both the employer and the employee have rights and responsibilities?  That the employee is paid to perform certain duties whether they enjoy them or not?  What life skills are missing?  Communication skills?  Conflict resolution skills?  What can be done to empower this young person with the knowledge and skills they need in order to maintain consistent employment and not be fired repeatedly throughout life?

Think your grandkid is a 'lazy thief' for digging twenties out of your purse?  Back that train of thought up!  Has anyone actually said plainly to them at any point in their life that you should never take another person's money without asking?  Wondering why they don't just get a job?  Do they know where to find job opportunities?  How about how to successfully write a cover letter and resume?  Do they know how to successfully present themselves to an employer during an interview?  Once they have the job do they have the ability to keep the job?  If you're thinking to yourself everybody knows how to do that then the Curse of Knowledge has struck again. 

We do each other an injustice when we watch a person struggle or fail and decide that it's none of our business or even worse, just judge them.  While it may not always be appropriate, where an opportunity does exist, take the time to pass what knowledge you have regarding how to be successful in life on to others.  Put yourself in the shoes of the person who doesn't have the knowledge or skills that you have.  Imagine experiencing repeated failure in life, missing out on achieving your goals while at the same time having people get angry and frustrated with you, telling you you're an idiot or looking at you like you're one over and over and over.  How would you react?  You would likely continue to get by in life the best way that you know how while developing a sense of having to be aggressive and fight for what you want.  Anxiety and a sense of being on edge would take root because the world would seem a much harder place that feels out to get you, and then develop a tough skin because otherwise the consistent anger and criticism you face would just cause you to break.  It would just be easier sometimes to be indifferent than to look and feel stupid after trying and failing again.  In the context of facilitation we have an amazing opportunity to address life-giving team and community skills that will benefit our participants in many life contexts, and possibly to empower them in other areas as well.

Remember that more often than not a participant who has just pulled out of a challenge grumbling about how stupid it is is actually saying "I can't find the solution, I feel stupid, and I don't like it".  That same anxiety fuels their reactions to life's challenges of getting a job, navigating school or a significant relationship, raising a child, etc.  Take a moment for a reality check.  If you didn't know what you know now, you would probably be doing the same things as the youth and young adults who leave your jaw hanging open sometimes with what they've just said or done.  Don't let your knowledge be a curse.  Let it be a gift, and pass that gift on.  The world will benefit if you do.

To learn more about our Independent Living Skills workshops visit our website at www.opendoordevelopment.ca.

Fired Because of Facebook

It's possible you've heard the stories.  People being fired because of a Facebook post or a picture in their photo album.  An employer requesting someone's username and password so they can go through their online profile.  Or maybe you personally found out you weren't asked in for an interview because the company you applied to hacked your facebook account and didn't like what they found.

There is a lot of confusion regarding social media tools and the role they should or should not play in our employment today.  Some people wrongly think they are untouchable and that an employer does not have legal grounds on which to fire someone because of facebook, and their assumption comes back to haunt them.  While what is considered right or wrong, okay or a violation of our rights is being further explored by the courts there are a few things that have already been settled and that we should all keep in mind.

1)  Social media is seen by the law as just that, SOCIAL media.  What you post on facebook or a blog is not considered private material because it was not shared in confidence.  It was shared on a public platform.  Want to argue that your privacy settings are cranked up so that only your friends can see what you post?  How many friends do you have on facebook?  If you stood at the front of a room filled with those people and said what you wrote online could that legitimately be considered a private conversation?  The courts say no.

2)  Your rights of free speech do not mean that you can say whatever you want, whenever you want, wherever you want, to whoever you want.  There are limitations that are already controlled by the government and that carry penalties for violation.  There are prohibitions regarding fighting words (inciting hatred or violence) and advocating illegal activity.  There are limitations on commercial speech, obscenity and profanity, defamation (ruining a person's reputation by publishing false information that was stated as a fact), copyright, trademark and patented information.  The fact that you don't see blatant pornography aired on t.v. during after school hours or five year olds filling the theater seats to watch the latest horror movie are indications of limitations of free speech at work.  Parental warnings on cds, ratings on games and movies, even successful lawsuits by celebrities against the paparazzi are all evidence of limitations of free speech at work.  What you post on facebook may be in violation of laws that existed long before social media entered the scene.  Educate yourself on what your rights of free speech do and do not include so you can make wise choices.

3)  Your username and password are not considered a means of protecting your content from being viewed, only altered.  While an employer is not able to ask you for your username and password and you have the right to refuse to give it to anyone who asks, your username and password for social medias are not considered a means of protecting your content from other viewers such as in the case of a debit or credit card pin number.  The purpose of a username and password is to try and make sure that all posts and submissions made under your name and profile were in fact created by you, and not by someone else.  Your username and password should be protected and not shared with others to reduce the chances of someone hijacking your identity and using your social media to cause damage, but remember that whatever you personally choose to post is not considered personal or private material and is not afforded the same protection as your online banking or other personal online services.  You may have usernames and passwords for multiple websites and applications.  The designation of those tools as personal or social will determine how much protection you are afforded for what you post there.

Open Door Development offers a 3-hour "Creating A Constructive Online Presence" workshop which you can book as stand-alone training or as part of a full-day Independent Living Skills package.  We have also made one of our handouts from that workshop, "Opening Doors of Opportunity Through Social Media", available for free on our website which you are welcome to download and share with your friends, family, employees and clients.  Encourage people to create a social media presence they can be proud of.  You have the choice whether your social media choices will lead to positive outcomes or negative consequences.

Get 'er Done, Have Some Fun and Save Money!

Businesses, schools, and other organizations often find themselves in the position of having large numbers of people to train, but in order to do so they must coordinate multiples dates, instructors, classroom space and the participants themselves, causing disruption to business or classes over and over and over.  Open Door Development can help you solve this problem with our large group training options!

We are a Red Cross Training Partner!

Very few of our courses have maximum numbers of participants, meaning we can train large portions, if not all of your participants at the same time.  You simply need to provide us with the appropriate space and we will provide the appropriate trainers and resources.  Where a maximum limit exists, for example with first aid training, it simply means there is an established policy regarding the instructor to participant ratio and we will provide the correct number of instructors to meet that requirement for larger groups.  For example, if you have 18 or fewer individuals who need to be certified we will provide one professional instructor.  If you have 80 individuals to certify we will provide 5 professional instructors and create a learning experience that gives everyone direct interaction and feedback from the trainers.

Reduces sick days and increases productivity!

Whether you have a gym, auditorium, theater, or multiple smaller classroom spaces to work with we can create a training strategy that meets your needs and provide a high quality experience for all participants.

10 Reasons To Book Large Group Training with Open Door Development:

1. Fewer dates to schedule!
2. Fewer work days or classes interrupted with absent employees/students!
3. All instructors are provided through one company so there is one point of contact to arrange all necessary details!
4. Wasted time equals wasted money.  Large group training lets you organize and complete your training in minimal time so you can get back to business!
5. Our instructors are top-quality professionals with excellent classroom management skills for all ages and populations.
6. We provide all necessary equipment.
7. Open Door Development is fully insured for all training.
8. Open Door Development has an injury/incident/accident-free record since it's creation due to it's focus on both physical and emotional safety.
9. Your training will be engaging and memorable.  Your group will actually enjoy learning and remember what they were taught.
10. Having interesting and fun training will reflect well on you, increasing loyalty to your organization and building excitement about being a part of your team!

Large Group Training Options Include:

First Aid Training, Conflict Resolution Training, Team Building, Bullying Prevention Training, StressWinner Stress Reduction Training, Leadership Development, Facilitation Training, and Independent Living Skills.

Create an Orientation Session That Will Knock Their Socks Off!

Student leader running the Bobsled challenge!

Whether welcoming new students or new employees this is a great way to build connections between new additions and established veterans and build a strong team foundation.  As part of a one-day program, Open Door Development can use a morning session to train your chosen leaders in how to run team building activities and empower them to run the afternoon program themselves.  Open Door Development's professional facilitators provide all the equipment and step back in to a supportive role as your leaders take the spotlight with the participants.  All activities are age-appropriate, can be tailored to meet physical or learning needs, and are structured with physical and emotional safety as top priorities.  Whether indoors or outdoors we create a package of activities that are appropriate for your space. 

Great for helping feeder school students prepare for the transition to high school in the fall (high school student leaders will earn an "Introduction to Facilitation" certificate to put on their resumes), or for helping companies to welcome new employees!  To learn more please contact our office by email or by calling (613) 464-1980 today!

Finding Depth in Simplicity

"The waters of wisdom are shallow enough for a child to play in and deep enough for a philosopher to drown in." ~Unknown

This is one of two quotes that guides and shapes everything we do at Open Door Development. We believe that in-depth, life-giving insight and discovery can be harvested from simple principles when we take the time to explore them and reflect on them.

Too often we have come across individuals who have been exposed to professional development or team skills workshops that involved complex charts, theories and diagrams that left them feeling overwhelmed. The information was hard enough to remember when participants looked away from the whiteboard filled with words, arrows and drawings, let alone when they walked out of the room at the end of the day. In the long run the information became useless because it didn't have an immediate and obvious application to their lives right then and there and life continued on as always with little growth or change. Somewhere someone made the mistake of assuming that concepts which are simple are for the simple and therefor looked to hire trainers with complex theories on how to perform as a high functioning team.

It is a common mistake; thinking that basic concepts are for children or for those who "don't get it" and that complex concepts are for those who are older or with advanced experience and understanding. While there is some truth to this; that once you have grasped a simple principle you can use it as a jumping off point for exploring more in-depth concepts, we would do well to avoid the trap of thinking that as concepts become more complex there is more to be learned from them and therefor the more benefit we will experience from being exposed to them.

The danger of this way of thinking lies in the fact that at some point principles can become so complex that people begin to learn less, or even worse, nothing at all.

So how do you communicate deep and rich concepts to your staff, students, family, co-workers, or others? Maybe it's time to try leaving the whiteboard and flipchart out of the equation and time to present simple statements, little nuggets of wisdom, and start conversations that explore and search for how that wisdom can be applied in your current context.

For example, the statement "Love your neighbor as yourself" can seem childish in its simplicity. But present the idea, start a conversation, ask how it could be applied to your current context, and watch the buried treasures within it begin to surface. Your elementary school students may think about it and realize that means they shouldn't hit someone because they are mad or push someone on the playground when they are frustrated. Your high school students might feel challenged by that statement and make a commitment to stop gossiping. Your managers may change their style of leadership, supporting their staff rather than ruling over them. Your executives might start exploring with more purpose how to give back to the community and operate in a manner that is environmentally responsible and keeps future generations in mind.

The whiteboard and flipchart paper can be great places to write down the ideas that flow from these conversations, but they should be tools used to capture the discoveries that emerge from participants rather than to shovel ideas at them.

One of our favorite tools that we use during team building is something called "The Five Finger Contract". It is a simple reminder of five principles that will help any team to experience higher levels of success (and the reminder of the contract is attached to their body!). Each finger on your left hand is a reminder of one of the following team principles:

1) Encourage your team mates (Thumb)
2) Give directions and share your thoughts out loud (Pointer Finger)
3) Refuse to put down yourself or others (Middle Finger)
4) Be committed to the team and to the challenge (Ring Finger)
5) Watch out for each other because everyone has strengths and everyone has weaknesses (Pinkie)

Amazing personal and team breakthroughs happen on a regular basis as a result of this simple tool. You can download a copy of our explanation of the Five Finger Contract here to use in your classroom or next board room meeting and visit our Free Resources page on our website for more free goodies.

If you realize that complex principles are resulting in shallow discoveries, try returning to the simple and watch the depth of discovery that unfolds in front of you!


Plan Ahead And Avoid Disappointment!
Any time is a good time to book a team building or other community skills development program with Open Door Development coming to your site, but our spring fills up quickly! If you would like Open Door Development to provide a team building program to end your school year off on a good foot, or to provide professional development that will get your summer camp staff off to a solid start, now is the time to book for May, June and July! Remember that you won't need to plan any transportation for your group because Open Door Development comes to you! Please contact our office at info@opendoordevelopment.ca or (613) 464-1980 to request further information or book your program today!

ADHD Super Powers: With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

There are two significant problems with how our culture views ADHD. The first is that it is seen as a curse. People often equate encountering a person with ADHD with an exhausting experience of distractions and repeated statements of "please don't do that", "please don't climb on that" and "for heaven's sake please stop poking holes in that". What many don't realize (even those who have ADHD) is that an individual diagnosed with this condition has in fact been identified as an individual with super powers.

A part of their brain is not functioning as well as it should, the part of the brain which acts as a filter, deciding what items vying for the person's attention should be given highest priority so they can focus on one or two at a time. Because this filter is not fully active it allows all items asking for attention to pour in to the brain, all demanding equal attention at the same time. The person speaking to them, the fly buzzing in to the window, the view through the window of cars driving by in the background, the clinking of cutlery and the fork in their own hand all want the same amount of immediate attention. This can be overwhelming and confusing and frustrating at times, but no more so than Peter Parker learning how to use his web-swinging powers or Clark Kent learning how to fly and not accidentally fry holes in things with his heat vision. Do you have ADHD? Great! You are capable of taking in more information and accomplishing more tasks at the same time than boring regular mortals. It will take some time to adjust to using your powers, but you can get there.

Do you have multiple tasks that need to be accomplished in a short period of time? Ask someone with ADHD to take on the challenge. When they have learned to control their powers, they have the ability to keep track of multiple complex projects that would overwhelm others. Have you ever noticed that those with ADHD are often excellent at finding things? If you set something down and have no idea where you left it, but were traveling in the company of someone with ADHD, go ask them. Chances are they remember exactly where you put it if you set it down in their range of vision. Their brain deemed that high priority information (along with everything else that was happening at the time) and noted where the item was put.

Individuals with ADHD need mentors, individuals who will not try to teach them how to focus on one thing (their brain does not work that way), but will teach them how to take in all the information their brain accepts in a calm manner with the knowledge that they are not helpless and have a choice about how they respond to the input, they do not have to be overwhelmed or overpowered by it. They need mentors who can help them make constructive choices regarding what to do with their ability to multitask. An open line of communication should always be maintained with a family physician, but other role models and cheerleaders are needed to walk alongside the individual throughout life.

Rather than trying to teach an individual to sit still during class (which only results in them tapping their pen and kicking the chair in front of them while poking holes in their text book), maybe it's time to identify a subject they are passionate about and arrange for them to have a book on this subject in their desk which they can pull out at will, giving them the opportunity to learn from the teacher while also learning about something that has direct interest to them. Rather than trying to get an adult to sit through long meetings without being 'rude and fidgety' it's time to say they are welcome to work on another project that is not distracting to other people whether it is reading another report or even working on a craft. Many individuals with ADHD take to knitting and crocheting and have the ability to work on a scarf or blanket while at the same time taking in the quarterly report. Many hospitals accept donations of handmade blankets for premature infants which means not only is someone with ADHD able to make something creative, but they can use their gift to then care for a struggling newborn. Regular mortals would have to save the world in their spare time!

The fact that ADHD is often equated with being rude and fidgety is sad, and this is the second cultural perspective that needs to be addressed. ADHD does not make someone rude. The fidgeting is the result of an overwhelming desire to multitask which disappears when the person is given the opportunity to constructively do so and any rudeness or violation of social norms is the result of lack of boundaries and mentoring. Everyone has the propensity to be rude if they are not taught otherwise. Those with ADHD simply stand out more because they have more energy to dedicate to whatever it is they are doing and the propensity to pursue multiple violations in a short period of time.

Children are often misdiagnosed with ADHD because they are misbehaving with high energy at home or in a classroom. The problem is that when you look at the parenting technique or classroom management skills of the teacher, the source of the rudeness and social difficulty becomes much more clear. A child raised without boundaries, not taught to respect authority, and not instructed in how to constructively communicate with others including listening skills and eye contact will of course end up taking liberties in how they behave and come across as selfish, rude, or unpleasant to be around whether they have ADHD or not.

In order to be officially diagnosed with ADHD the symptoms of distraction and hyperactivity (not rudeness) have to be present in three different environments (ex. home, school, work, sports team, extended family, etc). If the distracted and hyperactive behavior is limited to one or two environments while the person is focused and calm elsewhere, it is the environment that needs reviewing to figure out why the person is responding the way they are or feeling they have the liberty to behave in the way they are. Children need guidance in how to navigate the world, and adults who struggle with social norms and life skills such as attentiveness and patience may be children who simply never had a mentor intervene to help them before they grew up. Even adults benefit from a caring individual offering guidance in how to navigate life with greater success.

Whether you have ADHD yourself or are connected to such an individual, please remember that ADHD is a gift when we remember to treat it as such, not a curse. Peter Parker could have seen himself as cursed, and Clark Kent could have thought the same, but they had people in their lives who helped them to see their potential and fulfill it. With great power comes great responsibility, and incredible things happen when we all step up to play our part.