I Did It My Way: How To Be Independent Without Screwing Up Your Life

The 'terrible twos' never really end.  The part of you that said "NO!" when you were asked if you wanted a bowl of ice cream (but that said it at the exact same time you were raising your bowl to get a scoop) never really grows up.  There will always be some part of you that craves independence, the establishment that you are a capable person and that you can make your own decisions thank you very much.  The problem is that as we grow older and more capable we also open up to ourselves more options for asserting ourselves beyond just saying no, throwing a temper tantrum and pulling all the books off a shelf.  We have the opportunity to assert our independence in ways that can advance our lives, or cause them to come crashing down around us.

There are never ending cycles that the generations seem to get caught in.  It is quite possible that your grandparents did everything in their power to protect one of your parents by telling them they were not allowed to have boys/girls in their room.  But in asserting their independence that parent may have snuck somebody up the stairs while nobody was looking and had some experiences they regretted later on in life.  So what do they do?  They try to pass on the lesson to their child (you) by telling you you're not allowed to go out to that party on the weekend where the boys/girls are going to be drinking.  But in asserting your independence you may have snuck out the window and had some experiences you regret later in life.  So what do you do?  You try to pass the lesson on to your child and save them some pain by saying they're not allowed to Skype on their laptop in bed at 11 o'clock at night with boys/girls while they're in their skimpy pajamas.  And without some kind of change in thinking, guess what they're probably going to do?

There is a concept, an approach to life we need to grab a hold of, and if we do we can save ourselves, the people we are connected to, and the generations coming up after us a whole world of heartache and trouble.  The concept is this:  Ownership.  We need to own our choices, own our actions, own the outcomes and in approaching life this way we end a battle that many spend their whole lives fighting.  If we take ownership of our choices then never again we will have to fight another human being for our independence.

How do you practice ownership as an adult or teach youth to take ownership?  Ownership is relatively simple.  It is learning to say to yourself "I choose to do this.  This is why I am choosing to do it.  These are the consequences I expect from my choice."  That way, even if it feels like someone is smothering us with what they want us to do, or if someone else tries to take credit for our decisions, we can know at the core of our being that what we did in the end was OUR decision and that person can say or think whatever they want.  We made an independent choice which they can not take away from us.  But ownership has two sides to it and you can't take one half without taking the other, not if you want the full benefits that it has to offer.  You also have to take ownership of your screw-ups, the times when you make a bad choice.  You have to be able to say "I chose to do this.  This is why I chose to do it.  These are the consequences I am experiencing as a result," without trying to find someone else to blame it on.  "I only did it because...", "Well Sara told me...", or "I never would have done that if you hadn't..." are not examples of taking ownership.  That's giving ownership to someone else for your choices.  You are responsible for your choices, they are responsible for their choices, and when you grab on to that and buy in to it, you gain incredible freedom.

This is a particularly relevant lesson for teens who often do feel smothered by the boundaries put in place by parents, teachers, employers and other authority figures.  They may need assistance in transitioning from the 'smothered' way of thinking, to seeing themselves as being given information about how to navigate life and being presented with 'opportunities for choice'.  If you are honest with youth about the fact that people will give them boundaries, but in the end they they will ultimately choose what they do (let's face it, if someone really wants to sneak out, they're going to find a way to do it), that means they have the power of choice every time.  They are not helpless or at the mercy of every person who tells them what to do, which is an incorrect way of thinking that will not serve them well in life.  If they choose to respect a boundary and live in a way that lines up with an expectation, they have not been forced to do something.  Instead they have made the conscious and free choice to act a certain way based on information presented to them.  That's power!

Let's look at some examples that apply to several ages and stages in life.

Andre had been working hard in his company to get noticed by the big boss for years and thought there was a great opportunity for promotion with his next presentation.  The head honcho was pretty impressed, but as the last slide came up on the screen Andre's manager spoke up saying, "I told him that would be a good project to pursue."  Andre was tempted to stay quiet because it felt like a lost cause, trying to get the boss to focus back on his ideas.  Feeling frustrated that the manager seemed to be sucking up to the big boss and trying to take credit for the presentation, Andre chose instead to calmly speak up and say "I've put together this presentation because, based on the information I have been made aware of, I believe this is the right project for our company to pursue."  The head honcho liked Andre's confidence and put him in charge of the project, which eventually lead to a promotion.

Mark had also been working hard to get noticed and proposed a project which tanked and lost his company a great deal of money.  When his team was hauled in front of the big boss for an explanation his co-workers immediately started to point out how Mark's suggestions had caused them to miss the mark.  Mark was tempted to defend himself.  He was aware of many mistakes made by the rest of the team that he could point out, but chose to calmly say, "I was the person who signed off on that order, and I am the one who overlooked the added expenses.  I'm sorry for how that negatively impacted this project and this company.  I've learned from the experience and see how I can greatly improve my performance in the future."  The head honcho liked Mark's integrity, refusing to play the blame game, and after a few months of mentoring from a more experienced employee the boss gave him a new large contract to manage.

Elise loved to have a good time with friends on the weekends and was known as the Queen of Beer Pong.  After destroying all her challengers in a night-long tournament that randomly started after a bet, she reached for her purse, said goodnight and headed towards her car where she was stopped by a friend.  "You shouldn't be driving after that much to drink.  How about you stick around for awhile or let me call you a cab?"  Elise wanted to get home, she had to be up early in the morning, and she felt fine, mostly.  Besides, wasn't she the best judge of whether she was fit to drive?  She was tempted to tell her friend politely to back off and get behind the wheel to go home, but took a deep breath to quiet her pride and made a different choice.  "I did have a lot to drink tonight, but I don't have any money on me.  If I call a cab can you lend me the money and give me a ride tomorrow to pick up my car after work?".  It took talking to three people to get enough money for the cab (which they were happy to give to make sure she got home safely), and with arrangements made to get the car the next day, she walked to the kitchen to go use the phone.  She didn't know it at the time, but at another party the next weekend somebody chose to call a cab instead of drive drunk because they felt more confident after seeing her example.

You don't have to choose to do something contrary, stupid, dangerous, or destructive just to make a point that you're a capable and independent person.  Choose what is going to achieve good things in your life, saying and doing things that will have positive consequences and outcomes and own it.  When you unintentionally mess up and don't realize it was a bad choice until after the fact (or knew full well and regret it later), take responsibility for that too, owning it, and move on.  Even screw-ups have the potential to have positive outcomes if we face them.  It's your life.  Own in, and look forward to the peace and good that can come out of that.  You are free.

The Curse of Knowledge: Are You Helping To Create Parasitic Youth?

By Lindsay Walton (as published in the latest edition of the Association for Challenge Course Technology's publication "Parallel Lines").

Many baby boomers comment on the attitude of youth and young adults today, shocked by the way the younger generations choose to behave.  But the rudeness, aggression, indifference or entitlement they perceive doesn't always find its root in a bad attitude.  More often than not those behaviors find their root in anxiety.

We live in the age of the 'twixter', a term used to refer to young adults who have not developed the life skills they require in order to be able to support themselves and in turn give back to the families and communities to which they belong.  Rather than becoming independent adults, these twixters have a parasitic relationship with their societies, draining resources without giving back, and this isn't just localized to North America.  The Japanese refer to these individuals as 'parasite singles'.  The German refer to them as 'nesthockers', a term for baby birds who have just hatched from the egg and are completely helpless.  The Italian culture is facing a challenge right now in preserving their heritage because Italian women are not currently interested in marrying Italian men.  The reason?  Because so many have grown to become "bambocionni" or "big dummy boys".

There are many factors that can contribute towards youth growing to be twixters instead of independent adults, including disengaged parents (whether by choice or due to work hours) who did not pass on the needed life skills, having parents who do not have the skills themselves and are therefore unable to pass on the lessons, lack of parent intervention and boundaries when their child refused to learn and perform the skills growing up, and sometimes a genuine deep-seated laziness.  However the twixter got there, the results are often the same.  Repeated experiences of failure in life and without an understanding of why it keeps happening.

We are often familiar with the concept that "you don't know what you don't know", but on the flip side of the coin, you don't always know what you know either.  Chip and Dan Heath in their book "Made To Stick" refer to the Curse of Knowledge, the psychological tendency we have as human beings to assume that if we know something then obviously everyone else must know too!  It shoots us in the foot when we are trying to market products, services and ideas to an audience because we make inaccurate assumptions about the foundation of knowledge they already have for us to build on.  The Curse of Knowledge is also incredibly unhelpful when it comes to working together as a family or community unit to make sure youth and young adults have the knowledge and skills they need to become independent and contributing members of society.  If we consistently look at people wondering how they could be such an idiot for doing what they just did, or such a jerk for saying what they just said, then we have a bad habit that we need to break.  Without ruling out the fact that some youth have been taught the knowledge and skills they need and have chosen to ignore or reject it, we need to stop assuming that this is always the case.  Stop looking through the lens of what you know (the Curse of Knowledge) and do your family and community a favor by assuming that the young adult you just saw mouth off to their boss, or take money from their grandmother's purse, who has rotting dishes stacked on their kitchen counter or Mom doing their laundry when they are 35 is not making a conscious choice to live this way despite knowing a better way.  Start assuming that a critical piece of life knowledge or a critical life skill is missing or incomplete and see what can be done to fill that gap.

Let's explore a couple of the examples mentioned earlier and see what critical life knowledge or skills might need some tuning up.  The youth who just mouthed off to their boss should know that will just get them fired right?  Wrong!  That's the Curse of Knowledge at work.  Their current understanding of the world may be that it is their right to speak their mind and their employer's responsibility to make the workplace an enjoyable environment where the worker feels motivated.  What life knowledge is missing?  That both the employer and the employee have rights and responsibilities?  That the employee is paid to perform certain duties whether they enjoy them or not?  What life skills are missing?  Communication skills?  Conflict resolution skills?  What can be done to empower this young person with the knowledge and skills they need in order to maintain consistent employment and not be fired repeatedly throughout life?

Think your grandkid is a 'lazy thief' for digging twenties out of your purse?  Back that train of thought up!  Has anyone actually said plainly to them at any point in their life that you should never take another person's money without asking?  Wondering why they don't just get a job?  Do they know where to find job opportunities?  How about how to successfully write a cover letter and resume?  Do they know how to successfully present themselves to an employer during an interview?  Once they have the job do they have the ability to keep the job?  If you're thinking to yourself everybody knows how to do that then the Curse of Knowledge has struck again. 

We do each other an injustice when we watch a person struggle or fail and decide that it's none of our business or even worse, just judge them.  While it may not always be appropriate, where an opportunity does exist, take the time to pass what knowledge you have regarding how to be successful in life on to others.  Put yourself in the shoes of the person who doesn't have the knowledge or skills that you have.  Imagine experiencing repeated failure in life, missing out on achieving your goals while at the same time having people get angry and frustrated with you, telling you you're an idiot or looking at you like you're one over and over and over.  How would you react?  You would likely continue to get by in life the best way that you know how while developing a sense of having to be aggressive and fight for what you want.  Anxiety and a sense of being on edge would take root because the world would seem a much harder place that feels out to get you, and then develop a tough skin because otherwise the consistent anger and criticism you face would just cause you to break.  It would just be easier sometimes to be indifferent than to look and feel stupid after trying and failing again.  In the context of facilitation we have an amazing opportunity to address life-giving team and community skills that will benefit our participants in many life contexts, and possibly to empower them in other areas as well.

Remember that more often than not a participant who has just pulled out of a challenge grumbling about how stupid it is is actually saying "I can't find the solution, I feel stupid, and I don't like it".  That same anxiety fuels their reactions to life's challenges of getting a job, navigating school or a significant relationship, raising a child, etc.  Take a moment for a reality check.  If you didn't know what you know now, you would probably be doing the same things as the youth and young adults who leave your jaw hanging open sometimes with what they've just said or done.  Don't let your knowledge be a curse.  Let it be a gift, and pass that gift on.  The world will benefit if you do.

To learn more about our Independent Living Skills workshops visit our website at www.opendoordevelopment.ca.

Fired Because of Facebook

It's possible you've heard the stories.  People being fired because of a Facebook post or a picture in their photo album.  An employer requesting someone's username and password so they can go through their online profile.  Or maybe you personally found out you weren't asked in for an interview because the company you applied to hacked your facebook account and didn't like what they found.

There is a lot of confusion regarding social media tools and the role they should or should not play in our employment today.  Some people wrongly think they are untouchable and that an employer does not have legal grounds on which to fire someone because of facebook, and their assumption comes back to haunt them.  While what is considered right or wrong, okay or a violation of our rights is being further explored by the courts there are a few things that have already been settled and that we should all keep in mind.

1)  Social media is seen by the law as just that, SOCIAL media.  What you post on facebook or a blog is not considered private material because it was not shared in confidence.  It was shared on a public platform.  Want to argue that your privacy settings are cranked up so that only your friends can see what you post?  How many friends do you have on facebook?  If you stood at the front of a room filled with those people and said what you wrote online could that legitimately be considered a private conversation?  The courts say no.

2)  Your rights of free speech do not mean that you can say whatever you want, whenever you want, wherever you want, to whoever you want.  There are limitations that are already controlled by the government and that carry penalties for violation.  There are prohibitions regarding fighting words (inciting hatred or violence) and advocating illegal activity.  There are limitations on commercial speech, obscenity and profanity, defamation (ruining a person's reputation by publishing false information that was stated as a fact), copyright, trademark and patented information.  The fact that you don't see blatant pornography aired on t.v. during after school hours or five year olds filling the theater seats to watch the latest horror movie are indications of limitations of free speech at work.  Parental warnings on cds, ratings on games and movies, even successful lawsuits by celebrities against the paparazzi are all evidence of limitations of free speech at work.  What you post on facebook may be in violation of laws that existed long before social media entered the scene.  Educate yourself on what your rights of free speech do and do not include so you can make wise choices.

3)  Your username and password are not considered a means of protecting your content from being viewed, only altered.  While an employer is not able to ask you for your username and password and you have the right to refuse to give it to anyone who asks, your username and password for social medias are not considered a means of protecting your content from other viewers such as in the case of a debit or credit card pin number.  The purpose of a username and password is to try and make sure that all posts and submissions made under your name and profile were in fact created by you, and not by someone else.  Your username and password should be protected and not shared with others to reduce the chances of someone hijacking your identity and using your social media to cause damage, but remember that whatever you personally choose to post is not considered personal or private material and is not afforded the same protection as your online banking or other personal online services.  You may have usernames and passwords for multiple websites and applications.  The designation of those tools as personal or social will determine how much protection you are afforded for what you post there.

Open Door Development offers a 3-hour "Creating A Constructive Online Presence" workshop which you can book as stand-alone training or as part of a full-day Independent Living Skills package.  We have also made one of our handouts from that workshop, "Opening Doors of Opportunity Through Social Media", available for free on our website which you are welcome to download and share with your friends, family, employees and clients.  Encourage people to create a social media presence they can be proud of.  You have the choice whether your social media choices will lead to positive outcomes or negative consequences.

Get 'er Done, Have Some Fun and Save Money!

Businesses, schools, and other organizations often find themselves in the position of having large numbers of people to train, but in order to do so they must coordinate multiples dates, instructors, classroom space and the participants themselves, causing disruption to business or classes over and over and over.  Open Door Development can help you solve this problem with our large group training options!

We are a Red Cross Training Partner!

Very few of our courses have maximum numbers of participants, meaning we can train large portions, if not all of your participants at the same time.  You simply need to provide us with the appropriate space and we will provide the appropriate trainers and resources.  Where a maximum limit exists, for example with first aid training, it simply means there is an established policy regarding the instructor to participant ratio and we will provide the correct number of instructors to meet that requirement for larger groups.  For example, if you have 18 or fewer individuals who need to be certified we will provide one professional instructor.  If you have 80 individuals to certify we will provide 5 professional instructors and create a learning experience that gives everyone direct interaction and feedback from the trainers.

Reduces sick days and increases productivity!

Whether you have a gym, auditorium, theater, or multiple smaller classroom spaces to work with we can create a training strategy that meets your needs and provide a high quality experience for all participants.

10 Reasons To Book Large Group Training with Open Door Development:

1. Fewer dates to schedule!
2. Fewer work days or classes interrupted with absent employees/students!
3. All instructors are provided through one company so there is one point of contact to arrange all necessary details!
4. Wasted time equals wasted money.  Large group training lets you organize and complete your training in minimal time so you can get back to business!
5. Our instructors are top-quality professionals with excellent classroom management skills for all ages and populations.
6. We provide all necessary equipment.
7. Open Door Development is fully insured for all training.
8. Open Door Development has an injury/incident/accident-free record since it's creation due to it's focus on both physical and emotional safety.
9. Your training will be engaging and memorable.  Your group will actually enjoy learning and remember what they were taught.
10. Having interesting and fun training will reflect well on you, increasing loyalty to your organization and building excitement about being a part of your team!

Large Group Training Options Include:

First Aid Training, Conflict Resolution Training, Team Building, Bullying Prevention Training, StressWinner Stress Reduction Training, Leadership Development, Facilitation Training, and Independent Living Skills.

Create an Orientation Session That Will Knock Their Socks Off!

Student leader running the Bobsled challenge!

Whether welcoming new students or new employees this is a great way to build connections between new additions and established veterans and build a strong team foundation.  As part of a one-day program, Open Door Development can use a morning session to train your chosen leaders in how to run team building activities and empower them to run the afternoon program themselves.  Open Door Development's professional facilitators provide all the equipment and step back in to a supportive role as your leaders take the spotlight with the participants.  All activities are age-appropriate, can be tailored to meet physical or learning needs, and are structured with physical and emotional safety as top priorities.  Whether indoors or outdoors we create a package of activities that are appropriate for your space. 

Great for helping feeder school students prepare for the transition to high school in the fall (high school student leaders will earn an "Introduction to Facilitation" certificate to put on their resumes), or for helping companies to welcome new employees!  To learn more please contact our office by email or by calling (613) 464-1980 today!

Finding Depth in Simplicity

"The waters of wisdom are shallow enough for a child to play in and deep enough for a philosopher to drown in." ~Unknown

This is one of two quotes that guides and shapes everything we do at Open Door Development. We believe that in-depth, life-giving insight and discovery can be harvested from simple principles when we take the time to explore them and reflect on them.

Too often we have come across individuals who have been exposed to professional development or team skills workshops that involved complex charts, theories and diagrams that left them feeling overwhelmed. The information was hard enough to remember when participants looked away from the whiteboard filled with words, arrows and drawings, let alone when they walked out of the room at the end of the day. In the long run the information became useless because it didn't have an immediate and obvious application to their lives right then and there and life continued on as always with little growth or change. Somewhere someone made the mistake of assuming that concepts which are simple are for the simple and therefor looked to hire trainers with complex theories on how to perform as a high functioning team.

It is a common mistake; thinking that basic concepts are for children or for those who "don't get it" and that complex concepts are for those who are older or with advanced experience and understanding. While there is some truth to this; that once you have grasped a simple principle you can use it as a jumping off point for exploring more in-depth concepts, we would do well to avoid the trap of thinking that as concepts become more complex there is more to be learned from them and therefor the more benefit we will experience from being exposed to them.

The danger of this way of thinking lies in the fact that at some point principles can become so complex that people begin to learn less, or even worse, nothing at all.

So how do you communicate deep and rich concepts to your staff, students, family, co-workers, or others? Maybe it's time to try leaving the whiteboard and flipchart out of the equation and time to present simple statements, little nuggets of wisdom, and start conversations that explore and search for how that wisdom can be applied in your current context.

For example, the statement "Love your neighbor as yourself" can seem childish in its simplicity. But present the idea, start a conversation, ask how it could be applied to your current context, and watch the buried treasures within it begin to surface. Your elementary school students may think about it and realize that means they shouldn't hit someone because they are mad or push someone on the playground when they are frustrated. Your high school students might feel challenged by that statement and make a commitment to stop gossiping. Your managers may change their style of leadership, supporting their staff rather than ruling over them. Your executives might start exploring with more purpose how to give back to the community and operate in a manner that is environmentally responsible and keeps future generations in mind.

The whiteboard and flipchart paper can be great places to write down the ideas that flow from these conversations, but they should be tools used to capture the discoveries that emerge from participants rather than to shovel ideas at them.

One of our favorite tools that we use during team building is something called "The Five Finger Contract". It is a simple reminder of five principles that will help any team to experience higher levels of success (and the reminder of the contract is attached to their body!). Each finger on your left hand is a reminder of one of the following team principles:

1) Encourage your team mates (Thumb)
2) Give directions and share your thoughts out loud (Pointer Finger)
3) Refuse to put down yourself or others (Middle Finger)
4) Be committed to the team and to the challenge (Ring Finger)
5) Watch out for each other because everyone has strengths and everyone has weaknesses (Pinkie)

Amazing personal and team breakthroughs happen on a regular basis as a result of this simple tool. You can download a copy of our explanation of the Five Finger Contract here to use in your classroom or next board room meeting and visit our Free Resources page on our website for more free goodies.

If you realize that complex principles are resulting in shallow discoveries, try returning to the simple and watch the depth of discovery that unfolds in front of you!


Plan Ahead And Avoid Disappointment!
Any time is a good time to book a team building or other community skills development program with Open Door Development coming to your site, but our spring fills up quickly! If you would like Open Door Development to provide a team building program to end your school year off on a good foot, or to provide professional development that will get your summer camp staff off to a solid start, now is the time to book for May, June and July! Remember that you won't need to plan any transportation for your group because Open Door Development comes to you! Please contact our office at info@opendoordevelopment.ca or (613) 464-1980 to request further information or book your program today!