5 Indicators That You Are Causing Social Destruction

Short of dropping a nuclear bomb on your social circle and simply obliterating it, the second most destructive thing that you can do to the people around you and to yourself is to gossip.

And while we all like to think that gossiping is someone else's problem, chances are you are just as guilty.  Why?  Because, as a biblical proverb notes, "The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts."  Hearing hints of gossip is like having somebody dangle your favorite food in front of you when you're hungry and want satisfaction.  Anyone who has ever been on a diet and seen their favorite food staring at them from the fridge or from a storefront window knows the powerful gravitational pull that gossip has.

Think about it.  You're hanging out with a group of friends when you hear behind you, "whisper whisper Steve whisper whisper whisper."  Some part of you wonders, what about Steve?  What are they talking about?  What's going on with him?  Some part of you wants to turn around and ask for the details. 

Or you're sitting in your workplace cubicle when you hear, "whisper whisper getting fired whisper whisper whisper."  Some part of you wants to know who is getting fired.  And why?  What happened?  Some part of you wants to listen in closer or join the conversation to learn more.

Here are some early warning flags that may be showing up regarding your gossip tendencies.  Did you just have any of the following thoughts:

"Well of course I would ask what's going on.  I just want to know that the person is okay."

"Well it's not like I would tell other people what I heard."

Or, "I would just want to make sure that they're not saying anything bad about that person."

If the answer is yes to any of the above then the chances of you being a destructive force in your social surroundings is significantly higher and, even worse, you've got a sugar-coating of icing sitting on top.

Let's look at the dirt so we can deal with it.  How do you know if you are engaging in gossip and therefor acting as a source of social destruction?  Here are 5 factors to assess:

1) Are you personally involved in the story you are telling?  Do you appear in it at all?  If you are not a character in this play, this plot is likely not yours to be sharing with others.

2)  Have you been specifically asked to not repeat the information by the person who told you?  If you are asked to keep information private and you share it with someone else, even someone who you know would never tell anyone else, you have crossed a line.

3)  By telling this story will you uphold the reputation of the people involved or will you negatively impact it?  Pay close attention to this one because now it's becoming a legal matter.  If what you say causes a chain reaction that ruins someone's reputation you are at risk of being sued for slander.

4)  If you are in conflict with someone, have you talked to them about the problem first?  If you are 'just blowing off some steam' or 'just need to talk about something' and it's because you have a problem with someone else, does the other person even know?  Have you given them a chance to fix the problem or did you start by telling other people what they did to screw up?

5)  Are you listening to someone else who is gossiping without asking them to stop?  If you do not shut gossip down before the juicy details start spilling out you are actively a part of the problem because you are encouraging the other person, showing them that what they are doing is okay and that you are open to hearing the destructive information they are passing around.

When people gossip facts get twisted, details get blown out of proportion, emotions swell, more people get involved, and you get left with a problem that is infinitely more difficult to navigate when it could have had a much simpler solution.  Stop making your problems worse.  Stop making other people's problems worse! 

If you hear the hints of gossip, gather your self-control and march right past that tasty morsel or turn your music up and drown it out.  If someone approaches you with a tasty treat of news about Karin in the accounting department, let the person gossiping know that you're not really interested in hearing about other people, but you'd love to know what they have been up to recently.  And if you know something about someone else, respect that person enough to know it's their story to share as they see fit, not yours.

Be intentional about cutting gossip out of your life and you'll see the difference.  People will know they can trust you with their stories when they need to talk.  Your relationships will improve as people grow more confident that if you have a problem with them you'll talk to them first.  Your workplace will likely trust you with more confidential information which can mean pay raises and promotions.  Your significant other will grow closer to you when they know you're not sharing embarrassing details about them with your friends.  In our Conflict Resolution training participants make connections all the time where they can see how removing gossip could improve multiple situations they are trying to navigate.  There is no area of your life that doesn't have the ability to improve if you cut gossip out of your life.  You will gain so much more than you are giving up.  Try it!

What are your thoughts?

Do you think gossip is destructive or is that too strong of a word?

Are there any other clues that could help you catch yourself and identify if you are gossiping?

Share your thoughts and comments!

The Curse of Knowledge: Are You Helping To Create Parasitic Youth?

By Lindsay Walton (as published in the latest edition of the Association for Challenge Course Technology's publication "Parallel Lines").

Many baby boomers comment on the attitude of youth and young adults today, shocked by the way the younger generations choose to behave.  But the rudeness, aggression, indifference or entitlement they perceive doesn't always find its root in a bad attitude.  More often than not those behaviors find their root in anxiety.

We live in the age of the 'twixter', a term used to refer to young adults who have not developed the life skills they require in order to be able to support themselves and in turn give back to the families and communities to which they belong.  Rather than becoming independent adults, these twixters have a parasitic relationship with their societies, draining resources without giving back, and this isn't just localized to North America.  The Japanese refer to these individuals as 'parasite singles'.  The German refer to them as 'nesthockers', a term for baby birds who have just hatched from the egg and are completely helpless.  The Italian culture is facing a challenge right now in preserving their heritage because Italian women are not currently interested in marrying Italian men.  The reason?  Because so many have grown to become "bambocionni" or "big dummy boys".

There are many factors that can contribute towards youth growing to be twixters instead of independent adults, including disengaged parents (whether by choice or due to work hours) who did not pass on the needed life skills, having parents who do not have the skills themselves and are therefore unable to pass on the lessons, lack of parent intervention and boundaries when their child refused to learn and perform the skills growing up, and sometimes a genuine deep-seated laziness.  However the twixter got there, the results are often the same.  Repeated experiences of failure in life and without an understanding of why it keeps happening.

We are often familiar with the concept that "you don't know what you don't know", but on the flip side of the coin, you don't always know what you know either.  Chip and Dan Heath in their book "Made To Stick" refer to the Curse of Knowledge, the psychological tendency we have as human beings to assume that if we know something then obviously everyone else must know too!  It shoots us in the foot when we are trying to market products, services and ideas to an audience because we make inaccurate assumptions about the foundation of knowledge they already have for us to build on.  The Curse of Knowledge is also incredibly unhelpful when it comes to working together as a family or community unit to make sure youth and young adults have the knowledge and skills they need to become independent and contributing members of society.  If we consistently look at people wondering how they could be such an idiot for doing what they just did, or such a jerk for saying what they just said, then we have a bad habit that we need to break.  Without ruling out the fact that some youth have been taught the knowledge and skills they need and have chosen to ignore or reject it, we need to stop assuming that this is always the case.  Stop looking through the lens of what you know (the Curse of Knowledge) and do your family and community a favor by assuming that the young adult you just saw mouth off to their boss, or take money from their grandmother's purse, who has rotting dishes stacked on their kitchen counter or Mom doing their laundry when they are 35 is not making a conscious choice to live this way despite knowing a better way.  Start assuming that a critical piece of life knowledge or a critical life skill is missing or incomplete and see what can be done to fill that gap.

Let's explore a couple of the examples mentioned earlier and see what critical life knowledge or skills might need some tuning up.  The youth who just mouthed off to their boss should know that will just get them fired right?  Wrong!  That's the Curse of Knowledge at work.  Their current understanding of the world may be that it is their right to speak their mind and their employer's responsibility to make the workplace an enjoyable environment where the worker feels motivated.  What life knowledge is missing?  That both the employer and the employee have rights and responsibilities?  That the employee is paid to perform certain duties whether they enjoy them or not?  What life skills are missing?  Communication skills?  Conflict resolution skills?  What can be done to empower this young person with the knowledge and skills they need in order to maintain consistent employment and not be fired repeatedly throughout life?

Think your grandkid is a 'lazy thief' for digging twenties out of your purse?  Back that train of thought up!  Has anyone actually said plainly to them at any point in their life that you should never take another person's money without asking?  Wondering why they don't just get a job?  Do they know where to find job opportunities?  How about how to successfully write a cover letter and resume?  Do they know how to successfully present themselves to an employer during an interview?  Once they have the job do they have the ability to keep the job?  If you're thinking to yourself everybody knows how to do that then the Curse of Knowledge has struck again. 

We do each other an injustice when we watch a person struggle or fail and decide that it's none of our business or even worse, just judge them.  While it may not always be appropriate, where an opportunity does exist, take the time to pass what knowledge you have regarding how to be successful in life on to others.  Put yourself in the shoes of the person who doesn't have the knowledge or skills that you have.  Imagine experiencing repeated failure in life, missing out on achieving your goals while at the same time having people get angry and frustrated with you, telling you you're an idiot or looking at you like you're one over and over and over.  How would you react?  You would likely continue to get by in life the best way that you know how while developing a sense of having to be aggressive and fight for what you want.  Anxiety and a sense of being on edge would take root because the world would seem a much harder place that feels out to get you, and then develop a tough skin because otherwise the consistent anger and criticism you face would just cause you to break.  It would just be easier sometimes to be indifferent than to look and feel stupid after trying and failing again.  In the context of facilitation we have an amazing opportunity to address life-giving team and community skills that will benefit our participants in many life contexts, and possibly to empower them in other areas as well.

Remember that more often than not a participant who has just pulled out of a challenge grumbling about how stupid it is is actually saying "I can't find the solution, I feel stupid, and I don't like it".  That same anxiety fuels their reactions to life's challenges of getting a job, navigating school or a significant relationship, raising a child, etc.  Take a moment for a reality check.  If you didn't know what you know now, you would probably be doing the same things as the youth and young adults who leave your jaw hanging open sometimes with what they've just said or done.  Don't let your knowledge be a curse.  Let it be a gift, and pass that gift on.  The world will benefit if you do.

To learn more about our Independent Living Skills workshops visit our website at www.opendoordevelopment.ca.