How To Support A Teen Or Young Adult Through An Unexpected Pregnancy

Discovering that you are going to have a baby requires some processing no matter what the circumstances, but when a teen or young adult discovers they are going to be a parent when they had no intention of having a child at this time or with this partner, some additional support is needed.  Here are some key points to remember as you walk with someone going through this particular life challenge.

1)  When a teen or young adult tells you they are going to have a baby, please do everything in your power to make sure the first word that crosses your lips is, “Congratulations.”  Babies are sometimes a surprise, unexpected, or unplanned, but they are never a mistake.  A human being is incapable of being, in and of themselves, a mistake.  The creation of a new human being will always be something worth celebrating and the mom or dad-to-be desperately needs to hear that positive reinforcement.  Think about the traditional things said in response to an announced unexpected pregnancy:  “What?  Oh my God, really?  With that guy/girl?  What are you going to do?”, or, “Oh no.  Are you sure?  What are you going to do? “  While you might think you’re being sympathetic you are in fact dishing out crushing amounts of discouragement.  As the parents work to answer the question, what am I going to do, they need to know that there is something good in the midst of this difficult circumstance.  A life being created is good.  Capital G ‘Good’ in fact.  Please reflect on this idea now so that when somebody shares the unexpected you are mentally prepared and that much more likely to speak words of encouragement rather than discouragement.

2)  Remove the word ‘should’ from your vocabulary.  You should do this and you should do that are not allowed in your interactions with the new parent.  Quit it.  As the parents, the genetic founders of this child’s DNA and new team tied together as family by blood, they will need to make decisions and preparations for how they move forward.  Your job is to support the process even if you are not in full support of each individual decision made along the way.  Supporting the process does not mean that you can’t share insight, concerns, resources, disagreement, etc.  But it does mean that you have zero permission to make decisions on another person's behalf.  If you have control issues, start focusing on getting help for yourself before you focus on how to fix somebody else’s life.  You will cause more damage than anything else if you march in to somebody’s pregnancy thinking you know best.  You will be particularly susceptible to trying to control things if you are the parent or close family of the new parent.  Keep yourself in check and make sure you are using phrases such as, “have you considered…”, “did you know about…”, and “what questions do you have right now”, as opposed to,  “you should…”, “what you need to do is…” or “you’re going to have to…”.  Give the parents hope by sharing useful information, as well as helping them know their options and the resources available to them.  Help them explore the long-term implications of the choices they are considering.  Support them by helping them understand the paths they have open to them.  Do not ever choose the path for them.

3)  Support healthy relationships between the parents.  Communication, conflict resolution, problem-solving and other relationship skills are critical in the successful navigating of an unexpected pregnancy and in parenting.  When these skills suffer, stress levels skyrocket and drama rules the day.  To remove potential for drama, high stress, and the physical and emotional ills that result the parents will need to focus on growing in these areas and will need support from their friends and family along the way.  If you do not excel in these areas, keep your advice to yourself and focus on your own personal growth until you can be of better assistance and provide support through other means such as driving parents to appointments, cooking meals, or just being a listening ear.  Encouraging a confused and distraught parent to run with their emotions and tell their partner off, demand things, yell at them, refuse to talk to them, hit them, call them names, etc is never acceptable.  If the relationship is not healthy or is going through a difficult time support the couple in developing clear communication, addressing issues rather than name-calling, setting healthy boundaries, communicating needs and expectations, and other skills that will set them up for long-term success.  Whether you like the partner or not is not the question.  A baby has brought the parents together as a team and whether they choose to stay together or not they will need to figure out how to work together to raise a healthy child and stay healthy themselves.

4)  If the couple experiences a miscarriage, still-birth, or shares that they chose to have an abortion, please make sure the first words that cross your lips are, “I’m sorry for your loss”.  Think about some of the traditional responses to an unexpected pregnancy that has terminated: “Well, now you can get back to your life the way it was supposed to be”, “Thank God you don’t have to have a baby with that guy/girl”, or “Wow, you’re lucky.  You must be so happy.”  The person speaking thinks they are being sympathetic and encouraging when they have in fact verbally placed the teen or young adult in emotional bondage.  While there may be some sense of relief depending on the circumstances, no matter what you have to remember that for a time, however short, the teen or young adult was a Mom, or a Dad.  They have just lost a child and whatever other emotions need to be processed, I guarantee you that part of them will need to mourn that loss.  Please acknowledge to them that it is okay, healthy and normal for them to feel sad, depressed, confused, empty or any other number of emotions associated with loss.  Most teens and young adults who lose a child feel this way, but don’t share their feelings with people because they’ve been told so many times, “you should be happy” that they feel there is something wrong with them and they hide the fact that they’re breaking inside.  Don’t put people in emotional bondage by telling them this is a good thing that happened to them.  Treat the event with the same dignity, respect, and empathy given at the death of any child.  This opens doors to true healing and moving forward.

5)  Prepare unexpected parents with the knowledge that they may not instantly feel connected to or fall in love with their baby.  So many mothers in particular are told only the magical stories of love at first sight, and aren’t told that the majority of new moms look at the little blue alien that popped out of their body thinking, ‘are you sure that’s mine?’  Just like meeting somebody new at school or at work, you have to meet your baby!  You don’t know their personality and they don’t know you!  Prepare new parents for the fact that it will likely take a few weeks, sometimes a few months, before you will feel connected and bonded with your baby.  This is a particularly important fact to share if one parent sincerely dislikes the other parent.  It is difficult to look at a child that is genetically half you and half someone you hate right now.  Let new parents know that their child will have their own personality and regardless of who the mother/father is, investing in getting to know that child right from the beginning will pay off.  New fathers in particular struggle with bonding because they get easily discouraged with a crying baby that seems to hate them, but instantly stops crying for mom.  Mom simply has the unfair advantage of having a heartbeat that the baby recognizes, and a face they recognize from breastfeeding.  Their eyesight is limited to a short distance, the distance from the breast to the face in fact!  Baby does not like or hate mom any more than they like or hate dad.  Both parents have to get to know their baby.  With this simple knowledge new parents can feel a lot less stress when their new baby arrives in the world which will set them up for navigating all the other challenges of parenting with much more energy and confidence.

Strong teams and healthy communities are always needed during pregnancies and in raising a child, but particularly when the pregnancy was unexpected.  The support they provide is critical to both the physical and emotional well-being of everyone involved.  And remember that time will pass.  New families can find their groove.  They can be healthy and strong even if they had an unexpected or rough start.  Be honest with yourself, take some time to self-reflect, and be sure that you are a constructive part of an unexpected parent’s support network and not another source of stress.  Be a part of seeing a new family experience success.