Reframing: Changing Your Life Context Can Help and Hurt

Looking back over history we can see how our perspectives on things have changed, sometimes quite drastically.  Children over the centuries have been viewed as nothing more than little dysfunctional adults, as evil and reckless, and as innocent and angelic (worthy of many an Anne Geddes calendar).  Mental illness has been viewed as the result of demonic possession, as an imbalance in the humors (too much blood, bile, or phlegm), or as the result of chemical imbalances and difficult life experiences.

And yet to some degree children have remained children throughout the ages and mental illness has remained mental illness throughout the ages.  So how could a child go from being unquestionably evil to adorably angelic?  Or how could mental illness go from being treated with blood-letting to medication and counseling? 

When an object, person, experience, etc remains the same, but how we define its role in the universe changes, this is the process of reframing.  It is choosing a new framework through which to interpret what we see before us or what we are experiencing.  Imagine looking at a framed photo on a coffee table or looking in someone's scrapbook and seeing a picture of two people together.  If the frame had the words "Best Friends" inscribed on it that would provide one context for their interaction.  If the frame said "My True Love" that would change the context and your interpretation of the image in front of you.  If the frame were labelled "Family" it would change your context and interpretation yet again.

Some reframing happens naturally and subconsciously, with little or no thought.  A child may subconsciously move from being afraid of puppies because they jump up and knock the child over, to becoming quite fond of puppies because they have grown enough to no longer be intimidated by their size.  Other reframing happens consciously as we are presented with new ideas for consideration.  A scientific discovery may give us new insight in to how part of our world functions and why things happen the way they do.  A new philosophy or psychology theory may be presented which causes us to look at life or people differently.  Or a parent may correct us and give us an explanation that forces us to rethink our actions.

There are many articles and books that highlight the benefits of becoming more conscious of our frameworks, being aware and taking ownership of how we see ourselves and the world.  Recognized benefits that we can enjoy and celebrate include the following:

1)  Improved mental health.  When we identify destructive frameworks we are operating within (ex. I'm stupid, I'm an idiot, I'm a failure) and replace them with constructive frameworks (ex. I'm learning, I'm human, I can try again tomorrow) we end up with improved moods, lightened spirits, and more hope which protect us from a whole host of mental ills and improves our recovery from them.

2)  Improved physical health.  If we identify destructive frameworks (ex. I'm fine, I can eat whatever I want, I don't have time to be healthy) with constructive frameworks (ex. I'm an athlete so eat and train like one, I am valuable and worth taking care of, I have time to do this healthy thing today) then we experience higher levels of energy, sleep better, have higher self-confidence, and reduced chances of cardiovascular emergencies and diabetes.

3)  Improved social health.  People who are convinced they are helpless or who believe their situations are hopeless are very difficult and unpleasant to be around.  The conversations, actions, or lack of action that comes from people who see no way out or zero opportunity for improvement of their situation often feed further in to their problems creating a self-fulfilling prophecy that others find draining.  By making even the slightest shift from "I can't do anything about it" to "Here's something I'm doing to make things better", or from "Nothing is ever going to change" to "Something can change because I'm changing this...", a person can have the effect of repelling or attracting people.  Our framework can affect our social networks including the quality of our friendships, whether we get a job, whether we keep our job, and if a support network is available to us when tragedy strikes.  In the midst of our despair our framework can alter what help we receive or don't receive, whether people continue to reach out to us or begin to pull away.

How wonderful to know that we have control over even the most difficult of life circumstances because we have the ability to control our way of thinking about them.  Even more wonderful is that by shedding frameworks such as helplessness and hopelessness we are more likely to take constructive steps that in fact do improve our situations.  Things start to get better outside of ourselves and not just in our heads.  Reframing is powerful stuff!

However there is a downside.  Sometimes the loss or exchanging of a framework means that something needs to be mourned instead of celebrated.  Changing a framework can sometimes result in great loss instead of great gain, and if we are aware of this we are much more likely to help the person navigate the challenge rather than judge them because we more clearly understand what we are looking at.

If you unfortunately needed to share with someone that their spouse was responsible for sexually assaulting your child, it is clearly understandable that this would be a very difficult new framework to accept.  The person is being asked to accept that someone they thought was trustworthy has been hurting children, to accept that someone they thought was faithful to them has been engaging sexually with someone else and with someone who was vulnerable and unwilling.  Difficulty accepting this news is understandable and yet if the person reacts poorly, particularly if they go in to denial, it is not uncommon for the person to be labelled as 'unwilling to face reality'.

Let's explore something that has even more layers.  People who sincerely follow Jesus Christ, commonly referred to as Christians, often share their faith with others with a genuine desire to share something wonderful.  Forgiveness of sins.  Reconnection with a loving and faithful God.  Peace that on the day you die it won't be Death that comes for you, but your heavenly Father.  That's pretty amazing stuff.  And yet many people don't react well to these ideas.  Taking in to consideration deep frustration with hypocrisy amongst many who say they follow Jesus, and deep frustration with people who are confused and focused on following laws/traditions/rules/institutions instead of following Jesus, there is another reason why many people do not enjoy discussions about faith.  The new framework being presented is frightening or it hurts.  Because the same framework that would reveal to a person that they can go to heaven may be the same framework that confirms some of their loved ones are in Hell.  Because the same framework that identifies that we can be forgiven of our sins may be the same framework that confirms that it doesn't matter how good you are, that good isn't good enough and you are in fact accountable to Someone much bigger than you.  Because the same framework that confirms there are boundaries in place for our well-being and blessing may be the same framework that confirms that the break you took from your spouse to see if you would be happier with someone else was in fact adultery.  Because the framework that says there is a loving God who is in control of the universe may be the same framework that shattered years ago when something bad happened and there was no sign of God anywhere.  The person is possibly being asked to reconsider a framework that they feel failed them in the past.  Many conversations have gone horribly awry because a person of faith wanting to share something that can bring great peace didn't understand that what they were sharing was at the time in fact causing a great deal of anger or pain that needed to be processed, and with patience.

If you have ever presented an idea or a thought that was not well received and you were left wondering why the person couldn't or wouldn't accept it, refusing to 'face reality' or consider a new way of thinking, understanding the connection between reframing and the mourning process may help to shed some light and lend some wisdom to how you proceed.  The following can help us to identify when patience will be needed and a willingness to engage in an ongoing conversation, living life side-by-side being needed so much more desperately than an argument or 'knocking some sense' in to someone.

Shock.  Our bodies are wonderfully designed to protect us from all sorts of things, with natural physical and emotional first aid responses built in to our shell and wiring.  When something surprising or traumatic happens our minds and bodies can actually try to protect us for a time, shutting off thoughts, feelings or certain functions until we can sort out what to do next.  Shock is common with a new framework that is, well, shocking or very painful.

Denial.  When the shock protecting us wears off energy must be consciously diverted to protecting ourselves.  Denial is the act of trying to keep something away from us, out of us, fighting against accepting the event or idea as part of our life story.  No, no, please God, no.  'No' becomes a shield, whether it is a mental thought or an argument fired back at someone whose information feels like a threat of more pain.

Anger.  Poke a bear with a sharp stick and it gets angry.  Hurt a person and they get angry.  Why did this happen?  Why didn't I see that?  How could things be like this?  I don't deserve this.  How could they?  Where were you?  Legitimate questions are being processed here.  Questions that need to be asked.  Thoughts that need room to breathe, to be turned over, to be weighed and evaluated.  Thoughts that need to be said out loud so they aren't just burning holes in our brains.  Answers need to be tried on, questioned again, accepted or rejected.  Like someone working a piece of metal in a fiery forge, there is a great deal of framework crafting that is happening here.  And as a general rule the greater the pain the greater the anger.  If you are thinking the person in front of you has some serious anger problems, it would be worth re-evaluating that more likely you have a very hurting person in front of you.  The anger isn't something to overcome and rule, it is something to work through and heal from.

Depression.  When a fire burns out you're left with ashes.  There is no more fuel.  Deep exhaustion can settle in.  Everything in life can feel more difficult.  Things that brought relief before may not provide the same sense of restoration they once did.  Deep sadness can permeate even the happiest circumstances, dulling and wearing the person down.  Other frameworks we had in place before facing this challenge can contribute to how much time we spend in this phase, how deep we go, and how easy or difficult it is to come out of.  It is important to note that the strain of the challenge may in fact have altered the person's internal chemistry and they may therefore also require the assistance of chemical medication prescribed by a doctor for a time to restore balance and support healing while a new framework is being processed.

Acceptance.  Acceptance is not simply deciding, "It's okay" or accepting that what happened or what we learned was alright.  Instead it is the point at which we have stopped fighting the framework, actively keeping it away from and outside of ourselves, and instead allow it to be incorporated in to our understanding of our life story and the world we operate within.  It is a willingness to operate within a framework we better understand than when it was first presented to us, that we feel we have greater ability to navigate now.  It is acknowledgement that this framework contributed to where we are now in life and that it will impact how we move forward, but with full knowledge that we can in fact move forward.

Anything you share can have further reaching implications than you imagined.  Your thoughts on any subject can either support someone's confidence in their current way of navigating the world, or cause them to question whether they may in fact have made a horrible decision or mistake.  To ask someone to let go of their confidence that they're doing okay or that the world makes sense is no small thing.  Frameworks come in so many shapes and sizes, so when you share a thought that isn't received well consider entering in to a long-term conversation rather than an argument.  And be willing to ask questions.  People learn best when given questions rather than answers.  Allow the person to think out loud and share with you what's on their mind or on their heart.  You may have just triggered a process that has much more going on under the surface than you can see.

And if the mourning process is what was triggered, please remember that it is exactly that, a process.  To share a new idea, a new philosophy, a new discovery, a new framework of any kind and expect that people will simply accept it, deal with it, face it, or roll with it flies directly in the face of how we are wired as human beings.  New frameworks can be exciting and life-giving, but sometimes they can tear our lives apart for a time, and if we are willing to have patience with each other, being willing to walk alongside each other much longer than one conversation, we have greater ability to survive, to heal, to learn, to explore, to grow, and to live together.

Open Door Development's facilitators are skilled in creating training environments and experiences through which participants have the opportunity to constructively reframe how they fit in to their teams and communities.  Visit our website to learn more about our team building, conflict resolution, leadership development, bullying response training, facilitation training, and first aid training.

How To Support A Teen Or Young Adult Through An Unexpected Pregnancy

Discovering that you are going to have a baby requires some processing no matter what the circumstances, but when a teen or young adult discovers they are going to be a parent when they had no intention of having a child at this time or with this partner, some additional support is needed.  Here are some key points to remember as you walk with someone going through this particular life challenge.

1)  When a teen or young adult tells you they are going to have a baby, please do everything in your power to make sure the first word that crosses your lips is, “Congratulations.”  Babies are sometimes a surprise, unexpected, or unplanned, but they are never a mistake.  A human being is incapable of being, in and of themselves, a mistake.  The creation of a new human being will always be something worth celebrating and the mom or dad-to-be desperately needs to hear that positive reinforcement.  Think about the traditional things said in response to an announced unexpected pregnancy:  “What?  Oh my God, really?  With that guy/girl?  What are you going to do?”, or, “Oh no.  Are you sure?  What are you going to do? “  While you might think you’re being sympathetic you are in fact dishing out crushing amounts of discouragement.  As the parents work to answer the question, what am I going to do, they need to know that there is something good in the midst of this difficult circumstance.  A life being created is good.  Capital G ‘Good’ in fact.  Please reflect on this idea now so that when somebody shares the unexpected you are mentally prepared and that much more likely to speak words of encouragement rather than discouragement.

2)  Remove the word ‘should’ from your vocabulary.  You should do this and you should do that are not allowed in your interactions with the new parent.  Quit it.  As the parents, the genetic founders of this child’s DNA and new team tied together as family by blood, they will need to make decisions and preparations for how they move forward.  Your job is to support the process even if you are not in full support of each individual decision made along the way.  Supporting the process does not mean that you can’t share insight, concerns, resources, disagreement, etc.  But it does mean that you have zero permission to make decisions on another person's behalf.  If you have control issues, start focusing on getting help for yourself before you focus on how to fix somebody else’s life.  You will cause more damage than anything else if you march in to somebody’s pregnancy thinking you know best.  You will be particularly susceptible to trying to control things if you are the parent or close family of the new parent.  Keep yourself in check and make sure you are using phrases such as, “have you considered…”, “did you know about…”, and “what questions do you have right now”, as opposed to,  “you should…”, “what you need to do is…” or “you’re going to have to…”.  Give the parents hope by sharing useful information, as well as helping them know their options and the resources available to them.  Help them explore the long-term implications of the choices they are considering.  Support them by helping them understand the paths they have open to them.  Do not ever choose the path for them.

3)  Support healthy relationships between the parents.  Communication, conflict resolution, problem-solving and other relationship skills are critical in the successful navigating of an unexpected pregnancy and in parenting.  When these skills suffer, stress levels skyrocket and drama rules the day.  To remove potential for drama, high stress, and the physical and emotional ills that result the parents will need to focus on growing in these areas and will need support from their friends and family along the way.  If you do not excel in these areas, keep your advice to yourself and focus on your own personal growth until you can be of better assistance and provide support through other means such as driving parents to appointments, cooking meals, or just being a listening ear.  Encouraging a confused and distraught parent to run with their emotions and tell their partner off, demand things, yell at them, refuse to talk to them, hit them, call them names, etc is never acceptable.  If the relationship is not healthy or is going through a difficult time support the couple in developing clear communication, addressing issues rather than name-calling, setting healthy boundaries, communicating needs and expectations, and other skills that will set them up for long-term success.  Whether you like the partner or not is not the question.  A baby has brought the parents together as a team and whether they choose to stay together or not they will need to figure out how to work together to raise a healthy child and stay healthy themselves.

4)  If the couple experiences a miscarriage, still-birth, or shares that they chose to have an abortion, please make sure the first words that cross your lips are, “I’m sorry for your loss”.  Think about some of the traditional responses to an unexpected pregnancy that has terminated: “Well, now you can get back to your life the way it was supposed to be”, “Thank God you don’t have to have a baby with that guy/girl”, or “Wow, you’re lucky.  You must be so happy.”  The person speaking thinks they are being sympathetic and encouraging when they have in fact verbally placed the teen or young adult in emotional bondage.  While there may be some sense of relief depending on the circumstances, no matter what you have to remember that for a time, however short, the teen or young adult was a Mom, or a Dad.  They have just lost a child and whatever other emotions need to be processed, I guarantee you that part of them will need to mourn that loss.  Please acknowledge to them that it is okay, healthy and normal for them to feel sad, depressed, confused, empty or any other number of emotions associated with loss.  Most teens and young adults who lose a child feel this way, but don’t share their feelings with people because they’ve been told so many times, “you should be happy” that they feel there is something wrong with them and they hide the fact that they’re breaking inside.  Don’t put people in emotional bondage by telling them this is a good thing that happened to them.  Treat the event with the same dignity, respect, and empathy given at the death of any child.  This opens doors to true healing and moving forward.

5)  Prepare unexpected parents with the knowledge that they may not instantly feel connected to or fall in love with their baby.  So many mothers in particular are told only the magical stories of love at first sight, and aren’t told that the majority of new moms look at the little blue alien that popped out of their body thinking, ‘are you sure that’s mine?’  Just like meeting somebody new at school or at work, you have to meet your baby!  You don’t know their personality and they don’t know you!  Prepare new parents for the fact that it will likely take a few weeks, sometimes a few months, before you will feel connected and bonded with your baby.  This is a particularly important fact to share if one parent sincerely dislikes the other parent.  It is difficult to look at a child that is genetically half you and half someone you hate right now.  Let new parents know that their child will have their own personality and regardless of who the mother/father is, investing in getting to know that child right from the beginning will pay off.  New fathers in particular struggle with bonding because they get easily discouraged with a crying baby that seems to hate them, but instantly stops crying for mom.  Mom simply has the unfair advantage of having a heartbeat that the baby recognizes, and a face they recognize from breastfeeding.  Their eyesight is limited to a short distance, the distance from the breast to the face in fact!  Baby does not like or hate mom any more than they like or hate dad.  Both parents have to get to know their baby.  With this simple knowledge new parents can feel a lot less stress when their new baby arrives in the world which will set them up for navigating all the other challenges of parenting with much more energy and confidence.

Strong teams and healthy communities are always needed during pregnancies and in raising a child, but particularly when the pregnancy was unexpected.  The support they provide is critical to both the physical and emotional well-being of everyone involved.  And remember that time will pass.  New families can find their groove.  They can be healthy and strong even if they had an unexpected or rough start.  Be honest with yourself, take some time to self-reflect, and be sure that you are a constructive part of an unexpected parent’s support network and not another source of stress.  Be a part of seeing a new family experience success.